Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Max in the Philippines... Part 3 - The Massage

Max had never had a massage before, so I told him he should get one here. They are a fraction of the price, and often times way better.

I hadn't used my original massage therapist in a while. She always did the same thing, and tried to bend me like pretzel... and I'm not really down with that. So I was looking for someone new. I made a call, and was told someone would come by the house that afternoon to give my brother and I massages. Perfect.

I turned our workout room into a massage room. (Meaning, I laid a towel on the workout mat, and used a neck roll as a face pillow...)

It was decided I would go first, and then Max would follow. The lady started with my head, and then had me turn over on to my stomach so she could work on my back... and that's when it happened.

Massage Lady: Sometimes, when I do the massage I will burp.

Me: (Did she say burp? I look up...) You burp?

Massage Lady: Yes, I will burp.

Me: You will burp.

Massage Lady: Yes, because when I am touching you the cold is transferred from your body through my fingers. If I don't burp out your cold, I will get dizzy and fall over.

Me: Right. So, you absorb my cold?

Massage Lady: Yes. I absorb your pain, your cold, through my fingers and burp it out.

Me: Allllrriiight then.

Seriously?

How do I attract these looney tunes?!

I mean, what does that say about me?

Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrppppp! Buuuurrrrrrpppp!

OMG. Is this for real?

Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrppppp! Buuuurrrrrrpppp!

These are not the barely audible feminine burps you would expect to come out of a woman this small. These are the belches of a 300 pound giant. She would win any burping contest. She would blow the competition out of the water!

Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrrppp! Buuurrrrrrppppp!

Ok, this has got to be a joke. At any moment Lee is going to walk in laughing his ass off, and show me the hidden camera. I'm being punked.


Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrppppp! Buuuurrrrrrpppp!

Oh yuck. I think she almost puked....


Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrppppp! Buuuurrrrrrpppp!

OMG. What is Max going to do? He is going to freak out! Hahahaha! Do I tell him this chick burps or should I just let her surprise him? Hahaha!


Massage Lady: Buuuuurrrrrppp! Buuurrrrrrppppp!

It's at this point I can't keep silent any longer. I am tense all over from trying not to snicker, and I keep picturing the look on Max's face when he first hears her burp. ( I will find out later that he has already heard the burping over the sound of two air conditioning units, behind two closed doors and down a hallway. He thinks the massage is so good, and I'm so relaxed, that I'mthe one who is burping.... that I can't help myself.)

I realize I'm never going to relax, and the only way to keep from laughing is to talk to this crazy lady.

Me: So... how long have you been doing this?

Massage Lady: I took a five day seminar.

Me: Really? Five days huh?

Massage Lady: Yes. And then people were like, Juliette, can you massage my head? Or can you massage my shoulders? And I said, ok.

Me: Excellent.

...

Me: So... what about the burping? How did that start?

Massage Lady: The burping?

Me: Yes, I've had lots of massages... and never is there burping.

Massage Lady: Ahhh... Yes. My father was a healer. You know, heals the bones. I get it from him.

Me: Ah. (Oh Lord, please help me remember all this until I can write it down.)

...

It is then that she rubs her hands together back and forth very quickly and then lays them on my back.

Massage Lady: You feel that?

Me: What?

Massage Lady: You feel the heat?

Me: Yes.

Massage Lady: That is the healing power of Jesus.

Me: Huh.

I will recount this to Lee later, and he will say no... that's not Jesus... that's friction... that'sscience.

After my massage I explained to the woman that she might want to tell my brother about the burping before she begins, seeing as he is fifteen and bodily functions are quite humorous at that age. (I don't mention how I could barely contain my own laughter... because really, a burping massage therapist is funny at any age.)

I wait outside the door and listen to her explain to Max how her massage works. He replies in exactly the same way I did, "You burp?"

We talk about it later, and he tells me it was weird at first, but then he fell asleep. Fell asleep?!? How one could fall asleep while someone burps all over your body is beyond me!

Either way, the heat radiating, Jesus powered, belching Filipino lady wins the award for all time weirdest massage, beating out the troll-like Italian man who massaged the insides of my ears and clapped around my head.

Perhaps its true what they say... maybe you do get what you pay for.