Thursday, March 3, 2011

Top Three Things I saw Last Weekend

So now that the toll road is complete and I don't have to stop off in Sto. Tomas a couple times a week, I am witness to far less amusing things. Sto. Tomas is the home of the infamous water blowing lady... also the home of quite possibly the only Filipino in the country who sports dreadlocks. Best part about that guy?

He wore pants with the butt cut out.

Seriously.

The whole ass was cut from his jeans and you could see his bare bum. He seemed to think this was perfectly normal.

So as much as I don't miss the traffic and the wasted time in Sto. Tomas, I do miss the fact that I never knew who I would see.

Well, last weekend we went to Catalagan and although I didn't see anything as exciting as a butt baring Filipino I did see three things I've never seen before.

#3. A cockroach the size of a mouse.

This is not a joke. And no, this is not an exaggeration.
I was laying in bed, watching TV in our hotel room, feeling sorry for myself about how bad I was feeling, when in the dark, I something scurry across the room.

That's a mouse... definitely as mouse...

I sat up...

I looked closer...

Holy #%$!

That's a cockroach!!

The biggest cockroach in the history of cockroaches!!

I jumped up, flipped on the light and grabbed Lee's flip flop. (Not my first choice of weaponry when dealing with a cockroach of massive proportions...)

After finding the courage to get off the bed I chased the damn thing around the room, under the table and behind chairs, when suddenly he turned and ran straight at me.

AHHHHH!

It was terrifying.

I threw the flip flop at him... I missed...

He promptly turned around and slipped through the crack under the door.

I grabbed a towel and shoved it behind the door closing off the crack. Problem. Solved.

2 hours later...

Lee walks in.

Lee: Hey... why is my towel shoved under the door?

Me: (Half asleep) - Attacked.... by cockroach... size of mouse.

Lee: Sweet...

***

#2. Testicles the size of coconuts.

This is not a joke, and no I'm not exaggerating.
Lee and I were just getting over our excitement from the "#1 best thing" we saw this weekend, when we came upon the pig with his bum in the air, flashing his giant cojones for all passer-bys to see.

Me: OMG!

Lee: What?

Me: Those! Their huge!

Lee: What?!

Me: Balls! The size of coconuts! Big coconuts!

Lee: Where's the camera?!

Me: It's too late... That. Was crazy.

***

Later... at dinner with about ten new friends we met that morning...

Lee: What was that other funny thing we saw today?

Me: Umm... I don't know.

Lee: Yes, you do. It was so funny. What was it?

Me: *Shaking my head* Uh -huh

Lee: Do you remember?

Me: *Through gritted teeth* Inappropriate... in-a-ppro-pri-ate...

Lee: Oooohh ha!

New friends: Wait, what was it?

Lee: Tell them.

Me: It was nothing...

New friends: No you have to tell us, what did you see?

Me: A pig... with umm... really big... umm... the biggest I've ever seen... balls. A pig with giant balls, the size of coconuts.

Everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Yeah, very funny.

***

#1. Cow in a Tricycle


Now, I've seen chickens, I've seen a small goat, I've even counted 9 people in a tricycle, but I have NEVER seen a full grown cow in a tricycle.

The best part is the front view, which I couldn't get a picture of...

His whole neck and face was smashed into the windshield of the tricycle. How they got him in there I'll never know... or how they got him out...

Also, please note how everyone is driving on both sides of the road... classic Philippine driving.

Lee: How slow do you have to be going for a tricycle, with a cow in it, to pass you?

Excellent point.