Friday, January 7, 2011

Battle Cries

There was a war in my kitchen.

A holocaust if you will.

An. Ant. Annihilation.

Now, if you've read my blog before you undoubtedly know my relationship with the insects that torture me in my home.

This is not new information.

But while we were away on vacation the ants must have called in reinforcements because they have taken over my kitchen.

It's become pretty clear they have taken up residence in the walls, because they come out of the electrical outlets, and start little battles in different corners of the kitchen.

An army of ants invaded the pantry, destroyed two boxes of cake mix and took the taco shells hostage.

The next group came from behind the refrigerator and set up a camp of hundreds in the sink. I can only assume they are The Navy.

Then there were the ants that made the treacherous journey across the microwave electrical cord and up granola bar hill.

And don't forget the special forces that came out of the fuse box, down the wall, up a table leg and into trash-can valley.

It was only when I came in the kitchen to find them swimming in my peanut butter that I knew, This. Was. War.

Forget negotiations and ant trap sanctions I was about to drop an atomic bomb.


I took everything out of the kitchen and started my mission...


... it didn't last long. A can of bug spray later, the battle was over.

Chat came in as it was ending, holding her nose, waving the air and looking at me as if I'd gone insane.

Perhaps it was my battle cries... or perhaps she thought I was cleaning.

Chat: Ma'am! Ma'am! Smells very strong. What are you doing?

Me: Killing the ants.

She stared at me in wide-eyed silence...

Because I didn't want this to be a suicide mission, (not sure poison control exists in the Philippines) the next two hours were spent rehabilitating my kitchen, and ensuring my kitchenware was pesticide free.

I climbed on top of cabinets and under counters gathering up the dead and removing traces of the battle.

Chat spent the next 15 minutes mopping one spot on the floor and staring at me like my head might spin off at any moment.

Were there survivors?

Two.

They were water-boarded.

Not really... turns out that's not really much of a tactic with ants. Instead they drowned in a sea of hot water and bleach.

Lee came home half an hour later to find the dining room still looking like this...


Lee: Hmm... sooo.... what's going on here?

Me: Genocide.

Lee: Right... Well, I wondered how long it would be until you went completely crazy.

***Update***
3 days later... they're back. Not in full force, but enough of them for me to find this completely irritating.