Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Just Checking

Monday, I went to the hospital for a preventative health screening. And when it comes to preventative health, the Filipinos leave no stone unturned; or to put it in a literal term, no orifice unchecked.

I thought a full day of medical tests sounded a bit daunting, however, if nothing else, I would at least come out of it with blog material. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the procedures involved I have chosen to eliminate my awkward anecdotes, and concentrate on the ones that are a little less... shall we say... personal?

***
When filling out the patient registration form...

Question: Which religion are you? Roman Catholic or Other.

Ha.

I'm not sure which part I find more entertaining... the fact that I was asked my religion at all, or that my options are "Roman Catholic" or "Other." - Only in the Philippines.

***

One of the many visits I made was to a nutritionist, and what is the first thing she said when I walked in to her office?

Nutritionist: Oh! You look like a Barbie doll.

One sentence.

Just one sentence was all it took for me to realize she was full of shit. And it went downhill from there...

Nutritionist: Well, you have a good height to weight ratio... although you are considered to be a bit under-weight.

Me: Excuse me? (And this coming from the 4'10," 80 pound, "child" sitting in front of me? Me?Underweight? Puh-leeeeese)

Nutritionist: Yes, there is a suitable range, but to put you at your optimal weight, you should gain 9 kilos.

Me: Riiiigggght.... (This woman is insane. 9 kilos? That's almost 20 pounds.)

According to the internets, a healthy weight for a person of my height and stature is 117-130 lbs, the only thing I can guess is that she looked at the table and read the weight range for a 6'0" woman... which is not me, not even close.

It is at this point when she lost any ounce of credibility she had left... and yet, she continued...

Nutritionist: According to your blood test you are eating too much protein and not enough carbs.

She then hands me a print-out which states..."create main dishes and casseroles by combining a little meat, fish, or poultry with a lot of pasta or rice." (This is exactly the opposite of any thing I've ever read.)

Then, she goes on to say things like, drink more wine, (like I need encouragement) eat more eggs, and she even gave me medical advice that a patient of hers had given her. She takes medical advice from patients? Brilliant.

The clincher however, was when she told me my cholesterol was high... but not to worry, she wouldn't put me on medication just yet, we could manage it through diet. (Assuming this is the same diet that will allow me to gain 20 pounds...)

So to sum things up.... in 10 minutes she told me to... eat more carbs, (like pasta and rice) drink more wine, eat more eggs, try and lower my cholesterol through diet and gain 20 pounds.

It was after this session that I went down to the coffee shop and ate a muffin the size of my head. And you know what? I didn't even feel guilty. Cheers to more carbs and gaining 20 pounds!
***
Initially, I was going to end this post there... but then I thought it wouldn't truly be one of my entries without a little, "too much information." I knew I wouldn't be able to finish this post without letting one story slip.
***

My last exam was a gynecological ultrasound...

So, I'm sitting there... feet in the stir-ups, in that uber-uncomfortable-slightly-breezy position we women all know and love, when the doctor arrived.

Me: Hello!

Dr. - *Just stares at me*

Great... she seems super friendly...

Yikes!

And apparently she doesn't need to make small talk, she just gets right down to business.

Dr. - Oh, you aren't pregnant are you?

Me: What? No!

Dr. - Ok, just checking.

Just checking? Just checking?!?

Why don't you just check a chart before you waltz in here without saying a word and stick a condom covered camera up my hoo-ha!
***
End Scene :)