Monday, October 25, 2010

Home Security

What do you get when you mix broken glass & and a bag of cement?


The finest home security system in the country...


Only in the Philippines...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Just Checking

Monday, I went to the hospital for a preventative health screening. And when it comes to preventative health, the Filipinos leave no stone unturned; or to put it in a literal term, no orifice unchecked.

I thought a full day of medical tests sounded a bit daunting, however, if nothing else, I would at least come out of it with blog material. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the procedures involved I have chosen to eliminate my awkward anecdotes, and concentrate on the ones that are a little less... shall we say... personal?

***
When filling out the patient registration form...

Question: Which religion are you? Roman Catholic or Other.

Ha.

I'm not sure which part I find more entertaining... the fact that I was asked my religion at all, or that my options are "Roman Catholic" or "Other." - Only in the Philippines.

***

One of the many visits I made was to a nutritionist, and what is the first thing she said when I walked in to her office?

Nutritionist: Oh! You look like a Barbie doll.

One sentence.

Just one sentence was all it took for me to realize she was full of shit. And it went downhill from there...

Nutritionist: Well, you have a good height to weight ratio... although you are considered to be a bit under-weight.

Me: Excuse me? (And this coming from the 4'10," 80 pound, "child" sitting in front of me? Me?Underweight? Puh-leeeeese)

Nutritionist: Yes, there is a suitable range, but to put you at your optimal weight, you should gain 9 kilos.

Me: Riiiigggght.... (This woman is insane. 9 kilos? That's almost 20 pounds.)

According to the internets, a healthy weight for a person of my height and stature is 117-130 lbs, the only thing I can guess is that she looked at the table and read the weight range for a 6'0" woman... which is not me, not even close.

It is at this point when she lost any ounce of credibility she had left... and yet, she continued...

Nutritionist: According to your blood test you are eating too much protein and not enough carbs.

She then hands me a print-out which states..."create main dishes and casseroles by combining a little meat, fish, or poultry with a lot of pasta or rice." (This is exactly the opposite of any thing I've ever read.)

Then, she goes on to say things like, drink more wine, (like I need encouragement) eat more eggs, and she even gave me medical advice that a patient of hers had given her. She takes medical advice from patients? Brilliant.

The clincher however, was when she told me my cholesterol was high... but not to worry, she wouldn't put me on medication just yet, we could manage it through diet. (Assuming this is the same diet that will allow me to gain 20 pounds...)

So to sum things up.... in 10 minutes she told me to... eat more carbs, (like pasta and rice) drink more wine, eat more eggs, try and lower my cholesterol through diet and gain 20 pounds.

It was after this session that I went down to the coffee shop and ate a muffin the size of my head. And you know what? I didn't even feel guilty. Cheers to more carbs and gaining 20 pounds!
***
Initially, I was going to end this post there... but then I thought it wouldn't truly be one of my entries without a little, "too much information." I knew I wouldn't be able to finish this post without letting one story slip.
***

My last exam was a gynecological ultrasound...

So, I'm sitting there... feet in the stir-ups, in that uber-uncomfortable-slightly-breezy position we women all know and love, when the doctor arrived.

Me: Hello!

Dr. - *Just stares at me*

Great... she seems super friendly...

Yikes!

And apparently she doesn't need to make small talk, she just gets right down to business.

Dr. - Oh, you aren't pregnant are you?

Me: What? No!

Dr. - Ok, just checking.

Just checking? Just checking?!?

Why don't you just check a chart before you waltz in here without saying a word and stick a condom covered camera up my hoo-ha!
***
End Scene :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Typhoon Megi

My Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Laying in bed... wishing this rain would stop. I had to cancel an appointment today because of this stupid typhoon, and now I'm stuck at the house.

My Mom: Oh, there is a typhoon?

Me: Seriously?

My Mom: What?

Me: You haven't heard of the "Super" Typhoon? Tyhoon Megi?

My Mom: Well, I haven't really watched the weather lately...

Me: Have you watched any international news?! That's all they've been talking about. It's a category 5 storm!

My Mom: Well... your Dad hasn't seen it either, otherwise he would be freaking out.

Me: Right...

***

Typhoon Megi... the biggest typhoon to hit the Philippines in the last 20 years, according to the Philippine Red Cross, has made landfall in the northern part of Luzon island. We live in the south so we have received massive amounts of rainfall but very little wind.



Northern provinces have been declared "a state of calamity," thousands have evacuated, and there has been one confirmed death. Please keep those people in the path of the storm in your thoughts and prayers as Typhoon Megi makes it's way across the Philippines.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Super Size Me

The plus size women's' shop is called Tubby?

They may as well call it, "Hey, you're fat. Shop here."

Very subtle.

Only in the Philippines...

Friday, October 1, 2010

The City That Always Spits

Lee and I went to Hong Kong and Macau last weekend. And while we had a great time not much happened which I consider blog worthy. I did however take my usual notes, which I'll just recreate here... I really am becoming quite the lazy blogger.

***
While walking down the street something warm and wet fell on my neck...

Me: Um... umm... ha... ah.. umm.. Lee! Lee!

Lee: What?!

Me: I think a bird pooped on me! On my neck, can you tell? Is it poop?

Lee: ha, what?

Me: Right there, poop? bird poop?!

Lee: I don't see anything...

Me: Ha, it's water! Just water! Really warm water, yuck. Wow, I was really terrified there for a second.

***

Got spit on several more times while walking down the street. (Not by people... just to be clear. The people here don't know me well enough yet not to like me.)

Me: You know, I'd like this place a lot more if I didn't get spit on everyone 10 seconds. Where is this random water coming from anyway?

Lee: The air conditioners.

Me: What? Are they cooling the outside?

Lee: *"The I'm not even going to respond to that" look*

***
Tasty Buns...


***

Went to get reflexology done on our feet... Lee was not happy about it...

Me: Ok! This is the place! I'm so excited!!

Lee: Fifty minutes! I didn't know it took that long! I don't want to do this!

Me: You're doing it.

(Lee was not happy about reflexology... mostly because he has ticklish feet, but don't tell him I told you.)

50 minutes later...

Lee: That. Was. Awesome. How was yours?

Me: Awesome? I am in SERIOUS pain!

Lee: Really?!

Me: Yeah, I just got man-handled! ... By a little Chinese WOMAN! It felt like she was jabbing chopsticks into the bottom of my feet. But I looked! It was just her thumbs!

Lee: My guy was great.

Me: Then! She was rubbing my shoulders and was all..."ohhh... you so tight... you need full body massage." Umm... no. That's bone! It's my freakin' shoulder blade! .... Ugh, it hurts to walk.

Our calves were sore for 3 days after my "brilliant" idea.

***
Dinner at The Peninsula...

I'm sure this guy is important and all... but does his face have to be on the back of all the chairs... totally creepy.


***
Pub Crawl in Lan Kwai Fong...

First Stop? Stormies. Jello Shot syringes and an array of awesome music...

A sample of the playlist?

- I love Rock and Roll, Joan Jett
- Don't You (Forget About Me), Simple Minds

Me: Wow, music videos in the 80's rocked!






***

Lee: You ready to go to the next bar?

Me: Umm... no the music rocks here!

Lee: I thought we were supposed to be having one drink and then moving on to the next place.

Me: Alright, fine. When they play a song I don't like, then we can go.

Music: Give it to me baby, uh huh uh huh... and all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.

Lee: Sweet, can we go now?

Me: Hell no! You don't like this song?! "Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco cinco, seis. You know it's kind of hard just to get along today, our subject isn't cool but he thinks it anyway, he may not have a clue and he may not have style, but everything he lacks well he makes up in denial!"

Lee: Seriously? I can't believe you know all the words to this song.

Me: Duh! This is a classic. I can't believe you don't!

***

Me: Ok... ok... we can leave after this song. I love this song! "Neeewww Yooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of...." My favorite part is when he says, "The city never sleeps better slip you an Ambien." Jay Z is clever... I like clever.

Lee: Well, what makes it better is the line before that, "MDMA got you feeling like a champion..."

Me: What's MDMA?

Lee: Ecstasy

Me: And how do you know?

Lee: Because... I'm a scientist.

***

People watching at Agave... a favorite past time of ours...

Lee: Ooohh oh oh!

Me: Rolled up jorts?

Lee: Yes! High five!

***