Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Medical Advice From the Internets

I've been back in the Philippines for a week. And I had planned on writing about more fun with Frenchies, or at least updating people on the fact that I made it back to the islands, but... I'm sick.

I thought it was jet lag... (since I haven't slept in 7 days) or perhaps it's just that I'm allergic to this time zone.

But then I did the "ahhh test" with the flash light... and a mirror....

I found puss pockets in the back of my throat. Sexy. I know.

So now I'm on Web Md...trying to diagnosis myself.

And since I'm bored... and because Mr. Bigg is tired of listening to me... I'm taking everyone on my little symtom checker adventure.

Thrilling... I know. Symptom checker... Female...

Chest... click.

Hmm... possible symptoms...

Bleeding... No.

Bleeding from nipple?!? Ha! If I was bleeding from my nipples do you really think I would be asking the internets for advice? That's an ER visit.

Hmmm... no. no. no.

Cough.. Yes.

Whooping... No.

Hacking... (cough cough) kind of. I'll say yes.

Barking... Weird...

White or pink sputum? What the hell? No.

Maybe I'm not as sick as I thought...

Moving on...

Pain or discomfort.. duh.

- Localized to breast nipple? No... What is the deal with WebMd and nipples?

Describe pain...

Sharp or stabby... Ha... I always feel stabby.

Dull... eh

Pressure or heaviness... Yep.

Well, crap.

Un-click... No pressure or heaviness.

Ok.. enough of that.. on to the throat.

Choking on food? Again... not looking to WebMD if I'm choking..

Enlarged or swollen glands... Check....

Associated with a cat scratch, lick or bite? Eww... No, but that would be one more reason to hate cats.

Hoarse voice... Yes... sounding very manly.

Involuntary head turning or twisting?!? OMG! That would freak me out. No.

Sore throat? Yes!

How severe... hmmm... moderate. But only because they don't give me an option between moderate and severe... something like, "it hurts pretty freakin bad, but I'm trying not to be too dramatic."

Spots on tonsils... check... white... check.

So... according to WebMd I could have anything from viral pharyngitis or strep throat to tuberculosis or lung cancer.

I sure am glad we really narrowed that down...

Either way, I'm going to take large doses of cold medicine and get back in bed to finish my Bachelorette marathon. Because being hopped up on cold meds is really the only way to deal with the melodramatics of reality TV.


Me: So according to WebMD, I either have viral pharyngitis, tuberculosis or lung cancer. I wrote a blog entry about it. It was pretty lame, but I was bored...

Lee: You. Have. A. Cold...

Me: You're going to feel really bad if it's lung cancer.

Lee: Did you write about the time you had a headache, and you got on WebMd and convinced yourself you were having a brain aneurysm?

Me: Hey! That was serious!