Saturday, July 31, 2010

C'est La Vie


Yesterday I was shopping in St. Tropez. I got to talking with one of the local shop ladies about being here in France.

The usual... where are you from? where are you staying? how long are you here?

***

Shop Lady: How long zu stay in St. Tropez?

Me: Six weeks

Shop Lady: Zat is a long time. How do you find ze French men.

Me: Umm.. their great... I guess.

Shop Lady: Zu should take a luuvvaa while you're here!

Me: A lover? Ha! I don't think my husband would appreciate that very much.

(This of course led to the usual... You're married? But you're so young! How old are you? 25? I thought maybe 18...)

Shop Lady: Well, iz your huzband with zu here?

Me: No, he's not.

Shop Lady: Well, zen it doesn't matter! Zis is France! You take a luuvva!

Me: C'est la vie...

***

PS - Lee did not appreciate this conversation. I don't believe he's real fond of the French.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I Do Not Speak French


Dear St. Tropeziennes,

I do not speak French. My French vocabulary includes the following:

Hello... bonjour

Goodbye... au revoir

Thank you... merci

Please... s'il vous plait

I do not speak French... Je ne parle pas francais

Do you speak English?… parlez-vous anglais?

And various foods because let's face it… a girl’s got to eat.

My 15-year-old cousin has been giving me French lessons over breakfast. I can say with complete certainty he is only teaching me inappropriate phrases, as he will teach me the words but will not, in fact, tell me what they mean.

Please do not be alarmed when a clueless American girl, says “Good Morning Mother F^&#*@!”

It is so not my fault.

Bisous,

Keely

Thursday, July 15, 2010

French Kisses


Americans should really not even try to greet each other like the French.

Is the whole “double cheek kissing” business complicated? Or is it just me?

Either way, first day in France and I nearly kissed two different men on the lips. (Sorry Lee, both accidents… I swear.)

Mostly, I screw it up.

The worst was when it was me and another American… we really should have just shook hands… but you know, “When in France…” Mistake.

I’m all… “ok left, no right, right? Or left, left, right left, left, right. Which way is he going?!” There was a moment of panic right before we almost kissed on the lips. Then he says, “Well, that was a close one. Your husband would have been mad at me!”

Wow… That. Is. Mortifying.

Note: If you want to “bisous” then fine… but from now on you can kiss me on the cheeks, but I’m not moving.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

6 Weeks in the South of France

After a week in France I have finally emerged from the fog, and now deemed myself capable of putting words into sentences for a blog entry. Jet-lag really takes a toll on me, that... or my body will use any excuse for a good nap.

It’s the rainy season in the Philippines and Lee is working constantly so I thought it the perfect opportunity to come stay with my Aunt D in the south of France.

I’m not sure I’ll have as many “misadventures” in a place as lovely as this, but if nothing else I can brag to you about my fabulous life in St. Tropez.

My flight over was pretty uneventful, (which is always good on 14 hour flights) and I’ve come to accept the fact that I will always have complaints about whom I sit by on the airplane.

I, of course, am the perfect traveling companion. I keep all my bodies parts in the space provided, I do not hog the arm rest, and I do not blare the music in my headphones so loudly that people next to me are forced to rock out to my tunes.

I like the window seat, so I will not be sleeping on you, and/or drooling on your shoulder. I very rarely snore, and I only ask you to move so I can go to the restroom if I really have to go.

Also, I won’t talk to you. I’ll mind my own damn business and not ask you questions about where you’re going or what you do. Frankly, I don’t care. And I’m deathly afraid that once I start the conversation you won’t stop and then I’ll be stuck pretending to be interested in you for the next 13 hours when all I want to do is sleep. So I say nothing.

Why can’t there be more people like me?

I’m going to start a match.com for frequent flyers. Everyone has a profile, and you can pick who you do and don’t want to sit next to based on several qualities. Be it business related, you could sit by those in similar industries, it could be a fantastic networking opportunity. Or if you’re going on vacation, you want to meet other people going to your same destination with similar interests. Or perhaps you just don’t want to get stuck next to the guy who farts or the crying baby.

(No flight of mine is complete without a crying baby. There was one on each of my two flights. The second flight was the worst, because the biggest baby I’ve ever seen was sitting right in front of me, leaning over the back of his mom’s seat and screaming in my face for about an hour. I have never stared at someone’s tonsils for so long...)

There will be a short questionnaire that asks important travel questions such as…

Do you smack your food loudly when you chew or do you have other disgusting eating habits?

Do you laugh obnoxiously at movies only you can hear and disturb others?

Do you wear your shirt unbuttoned so your robust belly hangs out?

Do you wear your pants so low you expose half of your hairy bum to all those in a 5 foot radius?

Do you behave like a child, even though you’ve got to be somewhere around 40?

Seemingly random questions, yet the man who sat next to me, Baby Huey, would have answered “yes” to them all.

I had actually seen him while everyone was boarding the plane. He cut in front of about 50 people, and ran/waddled to the front of the line. I immediately thought… “wow, that guy is an ass. Sucks for whoever has to sit next to him…”

Then I found my seat…

Well, shit.

***

Luckily, I have 5 more weeks before I have to deal with this problem again...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Death & Destruction

Remember about a year ago, when we were invaded by bugs and I claimed that if killing bugs was an Olympic sport I would be the Michael Phelps of bug killing?

Remember how bugs were flying in the bed room and they were multiplying before my very eyes, and Lee was not helpful?

Remember how he left the room because I was "annoying" him, when in fact I was on a Rambo-Rampage, saving him from the worst bug infestation in history?

If not, then I shall refer you to I'm Michael Phelps... except with bugs.

But if you do remember, then I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

***

Last night I heard a shrill shrieking sound coming from downstairs.

This could only be one thing...

Lee. Has. Seen. A. Bug.

Coming down the stairs I'm all, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Bedroom door swings open, Lee's all, "We've been invaded!!!"

Door Slams.

I'm all, "Invaded? Invaded by what?"

Door opens, "Invaded by bugs!!! They are everywhere!!! I heard them in the bathroom... they were all fluttering by my ears... I could hear them everywhere!!" (This is all said while he jumps about smacking his ears...)

I'm all, "Ha. Yeah.. this happened before, remember?? And I took care of it. Your turn."

Sweet victory.

***

Of course I ended up helping him because he was making rookie mistakes... and also because I'm a control freak.

We marched around the house... a flip flop in each hand swatting bugs through the air... and smashing them on the floor.

When we were finished the place looked like a war zone.

Dead bodies scattered across the floor...

Me: Now, we have to kill the ones outside.

Lee: Outside? No.

Me: Yes. And I'm going to video.

Lee: No, you just want to catch me on video screaming like a girl.

Me: *Evil Grin*

***

Please note the "slaughter music" (Lee's words) that was chosen for this epic event.


video


I screamed more than he did...

Unusual.

Perhaps it was the camera or the slaughter music.

Either way, he makes an excellent Jason Lezak.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Bite Me



I've hit a new low...

Today marks the first time I have ever gone to the movies by myself.

And not that that's a bad thing. I'm not one of those people that can't eat by themselves in a restaurant or doesn't like to do things alone. In fact, sometimes I prefer it.

But today, I didn't see just any movie... I saw Eclipse!

And if you remember, The Saga... then you know how excited I was.

Many of the nicer movie theaters in the Philippines have assigned seating. You pick your seat when you buy your ticket, which I like because then I don't have to wait in line for four hours to get a good seat.

(Lee isn't a fan. He likes to be able to move about freely, away from crying baby, obnoxious teenagers, or that one guy who wants to commentate the movie for those sitting close by.)

Of course, I picked the one lone seat smack-dab in the middle of the theatre, much to the displeasure of the other movie patrons who were already seated.

I'm all, "excuse me... pardon me... oops, spilled a little popcorn there... you can eat it... I'm sure it's still good. Whoa, didn't realize it would have already started, thought there would be previews... excuse me. Hi, yeah... this is me. Yeah, that's my seat. Yes. Please move your shit. Don't roll your eyes at me... Yes I'm here alone, and yes... I am wearing a vampire t-shirt. Oh Bite Me!"

Ha! Get it? Pun so intended...

Obviously, only the first two sentences actually came out of my mouth... In reality, I ducked my head and scrambled to my seat through irritated huffs, and smiled real big hoping the girl with the rolly eyeballs would move her stuff out of my seat without me having to get physical, or say something that might get me beat up by a theatre full of Filipinos.

I can't think of anything more embarrassing then getting beat up in a movie theatre, while wearing a vampire t-shirt.

P.S. - I used to think I was pretty cool. But after reading what I just wrote, I can confirm that is no longer the case. The "Bite Me" thing was over the top. It's OK to be embarrassed for me.

On that note, I might as well admit that I was thinking about getting the Edward Cullen action figure...

and then I read this...


How. Awesome. Was. That?

I could keep myself entertained for weeks...

Now, I am definitely getting the Edward Cullen action figure, and maybe Jacob too.

It will totally freak Lee out...

He will not be pleased.




Thursday, July 1, 2010

Commercials Make Me Sick

I had to share this...





I see this commercial almost everyday, and each time I throw up in my mouth... just a little bit.

I have no desire to feel jiggly bits of anything in my beverage.

Only in the Philippines...