Friday, June 11, 2010

The Peep Show

There is a 70% chance the gardener saw me naked...

Truly.

It was around one in the afternoon and I was taking a bath.

(And not because I had nothing better to do in the middle of the day... although that is true. But because the water pressure in the morning and in the evening is often a very slow trickle... which is not enough to activate the hot water heater... and there is nothing relaxing about soaking in frigid water.)

Around the same time the gardener was out in the front yard...

(And by yard I mean the 4' x 6' patch of grass in the front of our house.)

... mowing the grass.

(And by mowing the grass I mean, on his hands and knees with a pair of giant scissors.)

I had settled in the bath, opened my book and was in the middle of an intense Quidditch match... Gryffindor vs Slytherin... and a rogue bludger...

(And yes, I am reading Harry Potter. I have a tendency to jump on bandwagons long after it's cool.)

... when I heard the garden gate open.

(And by garden, I mean the 6' x 6' patch of grass in the back of the house. The same patch of grass that I can see from my ground floor 4' x 6' bathroom window. The same window that is directly next to the bath tub. The same bath tub I am now plastered against.)

Surely, Chat just needed to step outside for a bit to grab something.

I'll take a little peek.

Slowly, I slide across the bath tub and raise my eyeballs just above the window ledge to get a better look outside...

Just as the gardener comes striding through the glass door... giant scissors in hand.

$#&*#^(@^!!!

Now, usually I'm not super shy... but I would prefer to not have the reputation of, "The American girl that will flash you if you cut her grass."

I immediately grab my nose and plunge under the water...

(Because making a loud noise and then hiding under eight inches of water is an excellent disguise. A chameleon, I am. )

Ok... so maybe there is an 80% chance he saw me naked.

I lie there... under water... nose plugged... waiting for him to go back inside.

(Although... I don't know who I'm kidding... I can only hold my breath for about 15 seconds... so I need a new plan.)

Finally, it occurs to me that I could close the blinds.

Genius, I know.

Trying to be covert... I reach up to pull the string on the blinds... but as much as I try... the string is just out of reach.

I sit up... still out of reach.

I get to my feet... trying to keep all important parts covered with one arm... while reaching for the cord with the other.

Finally, within reach... I yank the cord...

... and watch in horror as the blinds shoot to the top of the window... leaving me completely exposed.

I screamed.

Fell on my bare bum.

Bath water went shooting across the bathroom.

And I went back to Plan A... hiding under eight inches of water.

90% chance? I'd say so.

It was at this point when I figured things couldn't get much worse.

With one hand over my eyes...

(Because if I can't see him, he can't see me right??)

I blindly reached for my towel...

jumped out of the bath tub...

slipped on the wet floor...

and almost killed myself...

while running out the bathroom door.

Smooth.

Twenty minutes later, I was in the kitchen sulking when the gardener walked in...

Gardener: Good afternoon Ma'am Keely!!! *Big Grin*

Yeah... I know...

100% chance.