Friday, March 26, 2010

Tasty Treachery

The day after I got back to the Philippines Chat and one of her friends, Gloria, stopped by to see me.

I walked outside to open the gate when...

Chat & Gloria: Oooohhh Ma'am!

Chat: Ma'am you look so small.

Gloria: Your arms much small Ma'am.

Me: Well, thanks!

(Then I saw the looks on their faces... and I remembered the nail lady... the one that called me fat... Remember that? Well, I haven't forgotten... but apparently that was supposed to be a compliment... so I can only assume that calling me skinny is not...)

Chat: Ma'am you look like when I first saw you, like teenager.

Gloria: Yes, Yes.

Chat: I think maybe, while you're at home you work hard to help your family. And you lose weight.

Ha! Right...

I had no words...

I couldn't say, "Actually, my lazy ass sat on the couch for a month basking in the glory of American television, and stuffing my gluttonous face, before realizing that I was going back to the Philippines in a couple weeks to see my husband, and I was afraid he wouldn't recognize me when my new butter-ball figure rolled off the plane. So my mom and I went on an insanely strict dietary regimen for about ten days, which led to us being those annoying people in restaurants, the ones that say things like, "no oil, no butter, can I get those steamed? And that comes grilled right?" I'm positive the waitress thought we had an eating disorder, which was completely embarrassing. Especially when she said, "So... I'm assuming you don't want dessert... seeing as how you refused the bread..." To make things worse... the lack of all things delicious caused extreme grumpiness on my part, especially when my Dad would say things like, 'Wouldn't you just like a big, thick, juicy cheeseburger?' I threatened to hit him. Shameful, I know. But the good news is, that after ten days of treachery towards all things tasty, I lost 7 lbs, which didn't go unnoticed obviously... so I'm going to hug you now."

Instead, I just smiled.