Monday, December 20, 2010

Chip Off the Old Block

Leaving the chip aisle at the grocery store...

Lee: Ha! You know what's funny?

Me: Huh?

Lee: I was just thinking about chips... and then... I saw this...
Lee: Chips!

Me: Yep...

Lee: But they aren't chips! They're cookies!

Me: Yeeeesss... but they have, chocolate chips in them..

Lee: Ahhhh.... Ha!

(I swear you can actually see the lights flick on inside his head...)

***
In the car on the way home...

Me: hahahahaha

Lee: What?

Me: I'm still laughing about you and chips. You do know I'm writing about this...?

Lee: No... I mean... some people call fries, chips. Or cookies, biscuits. I just thought maybe cookies used to be called chips.

Me: Ummm... no.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Playing Catch Up

I know... I know...

This is the longest I've gone without writing.

But hey, I've been busy.

Really busy.

In the last 2 months, I've...

Flown to the states...
(A 20 hour journey, which involved me, in a middle seat... lovely.)

... made a teary scene with my mom in the airport lobby...
(We cry every time... sappy? A little. But, we embarrassed my 15-year-old brother... so it was worth it.)

... spent an amazing weekend with three of my best friends on the Riverwalk...

(Unfortunately, we also witnessed girl-on-girl action in our hotel lobby bar... there were tongues... there were nipples... we were more than a little shocked. But hey, it was Halloween... and if you can't dress up like a roller derby girl and put your hands down a strangers pants in public on Halloween, then when can you...)

... threw my little sister a lingerie shower...

(Boobilicious Cake... I gave the left overs to Lee... which he couldn't eat without giggling...)

... and a bachelorette party...
(I bet my sister $20 she would puke. I won.)


... had several meals with old friends...

(Note: It is never a good idea to go for a 2 hour sushi/saki lunch with a girlfriend before a dentist appointment. My new patient forms were illegible. Not only did I misspell the word international... "intrenatonal," but I messed up my address... twice. I ended up leaving half of the information blank... I can't even find my "group" number when I'm sober. To make things worse... I'm sure my breath smelled like pickled fish.... so I won't be going back there.)

... celebrated more than half a dozen birthdays including my own...
(26... yikes. Just one more step closer to 30.)


... grieved the sudden and tragic loss of a dear friend...


... made wedding programs, a slideshow, button bouquets, signs, center pieces... orchestrated a dress rehearsal... decorated the theatre and the reception hall...
(It's a time like a wedding when it's nice to have a control freak sister/maid-of-honor. Or perhaps not...)

... visited with my family from all parts of the world...
(And don't think I won't be taking all of you up on those, "You should come visit me offers..." I shall be making appearances in Tulsa, London, Manhattan, St. Tropez, Magnolia, Houston, Las Vegas, San Antonio and Paris... but not necessarily in that order.)


... danced my ass off at my sister's wedding...
(See proof below...)



... spent my first Thanksgiving with both our families...
(I stuffed my face until I was miserable and swore I'd never eat again... 3 hours later... I stuffed my face until I was miserable and swore I'd never eat again.)

... played golf with my dad.
(Yes, I beat him. Yes, it was the first time. And yes, I saved the scorecard. I may frame it.)

... enjoyed a 4 hour lunch with my siblings...
(Yes, 4 hours... People came in the restaurant... people left the restaurant... I'm sure the pizza boys thought we had become permanent residents there. By the time we left the restaurant it was already time for my next feeding.)


... spent time with my adorable niece... the most beautiful baby in the world.
(And I can say that... because it's true. And I can prove it.)


(See.. I told you. I know ugly babies... I see them everyday. She is not an ugly baby. Not to mention she's smart. Although, not smart enough to learn my name by the time I left... but she's only 9 months old... I'll cut her a little slack.)


So yeah... busy.

But I'm writing to say I'm back.

I'm back in the Philippines... I'm back to writing again.

And this time I'm going to write more.

I got in the habit of only writing when I thought something was funny, or out of the ordinary. In other words, when something was "Only in the Philippines..." And I forgot the whole purpose of my blog in the first place.

I started writing my blog for me.

For me, writing is a release, it's a coping mechanism, it's a hobby and a passion. And I forgot that.

I started writing this blog for my family and friends. As a way for them to keep up with us, and share in the adventure that we started some 20 months ago.

I want to get my blog back to the beginning... back to it's roots... when I wrote three times a week, instead of three times a month. When I wrote about all our adventures, not just the ones that made me laugh.

I want to make the most of the last six months we have here and really tell you all of our experiences here in the Philippines.

So that's it, that's my New Year's Resolution for 2011. I just hope it lasts longer than resolutions in the past... otherwise I'll have quit writing by February 2.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Home Security

What do you get when you mix broken glass & and a bag of cement?


The finest home security system in the country...


Only in the Philippines...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Just Checking

Monday, I went to the hospital for a preventative health screening. And when it comes to preventative health, the Filipinos leave no stone unturned; or to put it in a literal term, no orifice unchecked.

I thought a full day of medical tests sounded a bit daunting, however, if nothing else, I would at least come out of it with blog material. Unfortunately, due to the graphic nature of the procedures involved I have chosen to eliminate my awkward anecdotes, and concentrate on the ones that are a little less... shall we say... personal?

***
When filling out the patient registration form...

Question: Which religion are you? Roman Catholic or Other.

Ha.

I'm not sure which part I find more entertaining... the fact that I was asked my religion at all, or that my options are "Roman Catholic" or "Other." - Only in the Philippines.

***

One of the many visits I made was to a nutritionist, and what is the first thing she said when I walked in to her office?

Nutritionist: Oh! You look like a Barbie doll.

One sentence.

Just one sentence was all it took for me to realize she was full of shit. And it went downhill from there...

Nutritionist: Well, you have a good height to weight ratio... although you are considered to be a bit under-weight.

Me: Excuse me? (And this coming from the 4'10," 80 pound, "child" sitting in front of me? Me?Underweight? Puh-leeeeese)

Nutritionist: Yes, there is a suitable range, but to put you at your optimal weight, you should gain 9 kilos.

Me: Riiiigggght.... (This woman is insane. 9 kilos? That's almost 20 pounds.)

According to the internets, a healthy weight for a person of my height and stature is 117-130 lbs, the only thing I can guess is that she looked at the table and read the weight range for a 6'0" woman... which is not me, not even close.

It is at this point when she lost any ounce of credibility she had left... and yet, she continued...

Nutritionist: According to your blood test you are eating too much protein and not enough carbs.

She then hands me a print-out which states..."create main dishes and casseroles by combining a little meat, fish, or poultry with a lot of pasta or rice." (This is exactly the opposite of any thing I've ever read.)

Then, she goes on to say things like, drink more wine, (like I need encouragement) eat more eggs, and she even gave me medical advice that a patient of hers had given her. She takes medical advice from patients? Brilliant.

The clincher however, was when she told me my cholesterol was high... but not to worry, she wouldn't put me on medication just yet, we could manage it through diet. (Assuming this is the same diet that will allow me to gain 20 pounds...)

So to sum things up.... in 10 minutes she told me to... eat more carbs, (like pasta and rice) drink more wine, eat more eggs, try and lower my cholesterol through diet and gain 20 pounds.

It was after this session that I went down to the coffee shop and ate a muffin the size of my head. And you know what? I didn't even feel guilty. Cheers to more carbs and gaining 20 pounds!
***
Initially, I was going to end this post there... but then I thought it wouldn't truly be one of my entries without a little, "too much information." I knew I wouldn't be able to finish this post without letting one story slip.
***

My last exam was a gynecological ultrasound...

So, I'm sitting there... feet in the stir-ups, in that uber-uncomfortable-slightly-breezy position we women all know and love, when the doctor arrived.

Me: Hello!

Dr. - *Just stares at me*

Great... she seems super friendly...

Yikes!

And apparently she doesn't need to make small talk, she just gets right down to business.

Dr. - Oh, you aren't pregnant are you?

Me: What? No!

Dr. - Ok, just checking.

Just checking? Just checking?!?

Why don't you just check a chart before you waltz in here without saying a word and stick a condom covered camera up my hoo-ha!
***
End Scene :)

Monday, October 18, 2010

Typhoon Megi

My Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Laying in bed... wishing this rain would stop. I had to cancel an appointment today because of this stupid typhoon, and now I'm stuck at the house.

My Mom: Oh, there is a typhoon?

Me: Seriously?

My Mom: What?

Me: You haven't heard of the "Super" Typhoon? Tyhoon Megi?

My Mom: Well, I haven't really watched the weather lately...

Me: Have you watched any international news?! That's all they've been talking about. It's a category 5 storm!

My Mom: Well... your Dad hasn't seen it either, otherwise he would be freaking out.

Me: Right...

***

Typhoon Megi... the biggest typhoon to hit the Philippines in the last 20 years, according to the Philippine Red Cross, has made landfall in the northern part of Luzon island. We live in the south so we have received massive amounts of rainfall but very little wind.



Northern provinces have been declared "a state of calamity," thousands have evacuated, and there has been one confirmed death. Please keep those people in the path of the storm in your thoughts and prayers as Typhoon Megi makes it's way across the Philippines.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Super Size Me

The plus size women's' shop is called Tubby?

They may as well call it, "Hey, you're fat. Shop here."

Very subtle.

Only in the Philippines...

Friday, October 1, 2010

The City That Always Spits

Lee and I went to Hong Kong and Macau last weekend. And while we had a great time not much happened which I consider blog worthy. I did however take my usual notes, which I'll just recreate here... I really am becoming quite the lazy blogger.

***
While walking down the street something warm and wet fell on my neck...

Me: Um... umm... ha... ah.. umm.. Lee! Lee!

Lee: What?!

Me: I think a bird pooped on me! On my neck, can you tell? Is it poop?

Lee: ha, what?

Me: Right there, poop? bird poop?!

Lee: I don't see anything...

Me: Ha, it's water! Just water! Really warm water, yuck. Wow, I was really terrified there for a second.

***

Got spit on several more times while walking down the street. (Not by people... just to be clear. The people here don't know me well enough yet not to like me.)

Me: You know, I'd like this place a lot more if I didn't get spit on everyone 10 seconds. Where is this random water coming from anyway?

Lee: The air conditioners.

Me: What? Are they cooling the outside?

Lee: *"The I'm not even going to respond to that" look*

***
Tasty Buns...


***

Went to get reflexology done on our feet... Lee was not happy about it...

Me: Ok! This is the place! I'm so excited!!

Lee: Fifty minutes! I didn't know it took that long! I don't want to do this!

Me: You're doing it.

(Lee was not happy about reflexology... mostly because he has ticklish feet, but don't tell him I told you.)

50 minutes later...

Lee: That. Was. Awesome. How was yours?

Me: Awesome? I am in SERIOUS pain!

Lee: Really?!

Me: Yeah, I just got man-handled! ... By a little Chinese WOMAN! It felt like she was jabbing chopsticks into the bottom of my feet. But I looked! It was just her thumbs!

Lee: My guy was great.

Me: Then! She was rubbing my shoulders and was all..."ohhh... you so tight... you need full body massage." Umm... no. That's bone! It's my freakin' shoulder blade! .... Ugh, it hurts to walk.

Our calves were sore for 3 days after my "brilliant" idea.

***
Dinner at The Peninsula...

I'm sure this guy is important and all... but does his face have to be on the back of all the chairs... totally creepy.


***
Pub Crawl in Lan Kwai Fong...

First Stop? Stormies. Jello Shot syringes and an array of awesome music...

A sample of the playlist?

- I love Rock and Roll, Joan Jett
- Don't You (Forget About Me), Simple Minds

Me: Wow, music videos in the 80's rocked!






***

Lee: You ready to go to the next bar?

Me: Umm... no the music rocks here!

Lee: I thought we were supposed to be having one drink and then moving on to the next place.

Me: Alright, fine. When they play a song I don't like, then we can go.

Music: Give it to me baby, uh huh uh huh... and all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy.

Lee: Sweet, can we go now?

Me: Hell no! You don't like this song?! "Uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco cinco, seis. You know it's kind of hard just to get along today, our subject isn't cool but he thinks it anyway, he may not have a clue and he may not have style, but everything he lacks well he makes up in denial!"

Lee: Seriously? I can't believe you know all the words to this song.

Me: Duh! This is a classic. I can't believe you don't!

***

Me: Ok... ok... we can leave after this song. I love this song! "Neeewww Yooork concrete jungle where dreams are made of...." My favorite part is when he says, "The city never sleeps better slip you an Ambien." Jay Z is clever... I like clever.

Lee: Well, what makes it better is the line before that, "MDMA got you feeling like a champion..."

Me: What's MDMA?

Lee: Ecstasy

Me: And how do you know?

Lee: Because... I'm a scientist.

***

People watching at Agave... a favorite past time of ours...

Lee: Ooohh oh oh!

Me: Rolled up jorts?

Lee: Yes! High five!

***

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Princess and the Pea

After sleeping on what has got to be the hardest mattress in the world, for over a year and a half now, I had to put my foot down.

There are two things in this world I can't live without... good food, and proper sleep.

I must be fed every three hours. Once my blood sugar gets too low I can't be held responsible for what I might say or do. It's a genetic thing... I'm sure of it... my family is the same way. At restaurants one might hear rude remarks aimed at sluggish waitresses, but that is nothing compared to the riots and wars that have occurred prior to family dinners in the privacy of one's home.

Moral of the story?

Feed me, and nobody gets hurt.

Secondly, without proper rest I cannot function. Lack of sleep cuts my productivity in half, and just when we thought it couldn't get any lower... shocking, I know.

When we first got here, and I complained about the mattress, Lee scoffed at me claiming I was like the Princess and The Pea.

I rolled my eyes.

I should have reminded him that in the end of that fairy tale the Prince rejoices to have found a true princess with such sensitivity. After which, he probably removed the pea, or went out and got her a new frickin' bed!

It wasn't until recently, when I was awake for two weeks straight from jet lag, that I noticed how poorly Lee sleeps; tossing and turning all night long. It was this new bit of information that helped him see the light. Not to mention the fact that we could now make out two distinct body imprints on either side of the mattress. Finally, he relented.

We went to the home store at the mall, where we were followed around by a gaggle of employees. Each time we sat on a different mattress there were giggles before all 10 of them followed us to the next one. (And no, 10 is not an exaggeration. There were at least 10.)

After we made our selection we learned that a same day delivery was impossible and we would have to wait until next week.

This was not acceptable... but seeing as how it was an impossible task for The Green Machine... there was only one other option.




The princess got her way, and she slept happily ever after.

Monday, September 13, 2010

No Cause for Alarm

It's official.

I have completely adjusted to this place.

Things here are starting to feel normal...

For example, last weekend I was in Manila, eating at a nice Italian restaurant, (nice, as in white table cloths, and too many pieces of silverware kind of nice,) when I noticed an ant in my salad.

Normally, this would be cause for alarm. Bugs crawling around in your food? Gross right.

However, that wasn't really my thought process...

***

Me: Is that an ant? Yep. That is an ant. He's red. I don't think I've seen red ants in the Philippines. He's really red. Like fire ant red. Eww... I don't miss fire ants at all. I wonder what kind of ant this is. I've definitely only seen black ants in the Philippines. Is he alive? Hmmm... (poke with fork.) Yep. He's alive. Probably not for long though... I wonder how long ants can survive in a pool of olive oil? Not long... I think he's dying.

Waitress: Oh! There is an ant in your food!!

Me: Huh? Oh, yeah.

I didn't even realize she had come up behind me and was staring at me in horror as I was playing with the ant drowning in salad dressing.

At this point she whisked the salad away to the kitchen, where I'm sure they just picked the ant out and gave it back to her. Which is exactly what I would have done had she not taken it away.

It was one ant. I deal with many more than that everyday.

I share a front yard, a kitchen, a bedroom and a bathroom with ants... it really wouldn't make a difference if I also shared a plate.

It's taken me 17 months, but I've finally given up on the war against ants.

And I've learned that one ant in my food won't kill me.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Tis' the Season...?

Walking through the hardware store today, I suddenly became very aware of the music that was playing...

"Tis' the season to be jolly... fa...la...la la la...la...la la la!"

My initial reaction?

"You've got to be frickin' kidding me..."

Then I looked at my phone...

Date?

September 1st.

Well, that makes sense then... they are right on time.

September 1st through January 1st... "tis' the season."

And it has to be the longest holiday season in the world.

Where can you celebrate Christmas for 4 months out of the year?

Only in the Philippines...




Monday, August 30, 2010

Taste of the Philippines


San Miguel, the beer of the Philippines, is a decent beer.

(And by decent I mean... I actually can't stand it. One is alright, but if I have two, I wake up in the morning feeling like my head will in fact explode.)

The only way it's tolerable is if it's really cold. As in almost freezing... like...33 degrees F.

Cold beer in the Philippines is a rarity, but don't worry...

They are kind enough to serve it to you with a glass of ice.


Seriously?

I'm already drinking a light beer... let's not water it down any more than we have to thank-you-very-much.

Beer over ice?

Only in the Philippines...

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Medical Advice From the Internets

I've been back in the Philippines for a week. And I had planned on writing about more fun with Frenchies, or at least updating people on the fact that I made it back to the islands, but... I'm sick.

I thought it was jet lag... (since I haven't slept in 7 days) or perhaps it's just that I'm allergic to this time zone.

But then I did the "ahhh test" with the flash light... and a mirror....

I found puss pockets in the back of my throat. Sexy. I know.

So now I'm on Web Md...trying to diagnosis myself.

And since I'm bored... and because Mr. Bigg is tired of listening to me... I'm taking everyone on my little symtom checker adventure.

Thrilling... I know.

WebMd.com... Symptom checker... Female...

Chest... click.

Hmm... possible symptoms...

Bleeding... No.

Bleeding from nipple?!? Ha! If I was bleeding from my nipples do you really think I would be asking the internets for advice? That's an ER visit.

Hmmm... no. no. no.

Cough.. Yes.

Whooping... No.

Hacking... (cough cough) kind of. I'll say yes.

Barking... Weird...

White or pink sputum? What the hell? No.

Maybe I'm not as sick as I thought...

Moving on...

Pain or discomfort.. duh.

- Localized to breast nipple? No... What is the deal with WebMd and nipples?

Describe pain...

Sharp or stabby... Ha... I always feel stabby.

Dull... eh

Pressure or heaviness... Yep.

Well, crap.


Un-click... No pressure or heaviness.

Ok.. enough of that.. on to the throat.

Choking on food? Again... not looking to WebMD if I'm choking..

Enlarged or swollen glands... Check....

Associated with a cat scratch, lick or bite? Eww... No, but that would be one more reason to hate cats.

Hoarse voice... Yes... sounding very manly.

Involuntary head turning or twisting?!? OMG! That would freak me out. No.

Sore throat? Yes!

How severe... hmmm... moderate. But only because they don't give me an option between moderate and severe... something like, "it hurts pretty freakin bad, but I'm trying not to be too dramatic."

Spots on tonsils... check... white... check.

So... according to WebMd I could have anything from viral pharyngitis or strep throat to tuberculosis or lung cancer.

I sure am glad we really narrowed that down...

Either way, I'm going to take large doses of cold medicine and get back in bed to finish my Bachelorette marathon. Because being hopped up on cold meds is really the only way to deal with the melodramatics of reality TV.

***

Me: So according to WebMD, I either have viral pharyngitis, tuberculosis or lung cancer. I wrote a blog entry about it. It was pretty lame, but I was bored...

Lee: You. Have. A. Cold...

Me: You're going to feel really bad if it's lung cancer.

Lee: Did you write about the time you had a headache, and you got on WebMd and convinced yourself you were having a brain aneurysm?

Me: Hey! That was serious!

***


Sunday, August 22, 2010

Spell Check

Is it unfair for me to assume that when asking for "caution," one should think it important to check for things such as spelling?



Only in the Philippines...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Only in France...


Are there vending machines in France?

Yes.

But they only sell condoms...


Vending machine strictly for condoms, right in the middle of the port in St. Tropez amid the restaurants, and shopping.

Perhaps it's for all the married women who have taken a French Luuvvaa?

Only in France...

Saturday, July 31, 2010

C'est La Vie


Yesterday I was shopping in St. Tropez. I got to talking with one of the local shop ladies about being here in France.

The usual... where are you from? where are you staying? how long are you here?

***

Shop Lady: How long zu stay in St. Tropez?

Me: Six weeks

Shop Lady: Zat is a long time. How do you find ze French men.

Me: Umm.. their great... I guess.

Shop Lady: Zu should take a luuvvaa while you're here!

Me: A lover? Ha! I don't think my husband would appreciate that very much.

(This of course led to the usual... You're married? But you're so young! How old are you? 25? I thought maybe 18...)

Shop Lady: Well, iz your huzband with zu here?

Me: No, he's not.

Shop Lady: Well, zen it doesn't matter! Zis is France! You take a luuvva!

Me: C'est la vie...

***

PS - Lee did not appreciate this conversation. I don't believe he's real fond of the French.

Monday, July 19, 2010

I Do Not Speak French


Dear St. Tropeziennes,

I do not speak French. My French vocabulary includes the following:

Hello... bonjour

Goodbye... au revoir

Thank you... merci

Please... s'il vous plait

I do not speak French... Je ne parle pas francais

Do you speak English?… parlez-vous anglais?

And various foods because let's face it… a girl’s got to eat.

My 15-year-old cousin has been giving me French lessons over breakfast. I can say with complete certainty he is only teaching me inappropriate phrases, as he will teach me the words but will not, in fact, tell me what they mean.

Please do not be alarmed when a clueless American girl, says “Good Morning Mother F^&#*@!”

It is so not my fault.

Bisous,

Keely

Thursday, July 15, 2010

French Kisses


Americans should really not even try to greet each other like the French.

Is the whole “double cheek kissing” business complicated? Or is it just me?

Either way, first day in France and I nearly kissed two different men on the lips. (Sorry Lee, both accidents… I swear.)

Mostly, I screw it up.

The worst was when it was me and another American… we really should have just shook hands… but you know, “When in France…” Mistake.

I’m all… “ok left, no right, right? Or left, left, right left, left, right. Which way is he going?!” There was a moment of panic right before we almost kissed on the lips. Then he says, “Well, that was a close one. Your husband would have been mad at me!”

Wow… That. Is. Mortifying.

Note: If you want to “bisous” then fine… but from now on you can kiss me on the cheeks, but I’m not moving.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

6 Weeks in the South of France

After a week in France I have finally emerged from the fog, and now deemed myself capable of putting words into sentences for a blog entry. Jet-lag really takes a toll on me, that... or my body will use any excuse for a good nap.

It’s the rainy season in the Philippines and Lee is working constantly so I thought it the perfect opportunity to come stay with my Aunt D in the south of France.

I’m not sure I’ll have as many “misadventures” in a place as lovely as this, but if nothing else I can brag to you about my fabulous life in St. Tropez.

My flight over was pretty uneventful, (which is always good on 14 hour flights) and I’ve come to accept the fact that I will always have complaints about whom I sit by on the airplane.

I, of course, am the perfect traveling companion. I keep all my bodies parts in the space provided, I do not hog the arm rest, and I do not blare the music in my headphones so loudly that people next to me are forced to rock out to my tunes.

I like the window seat, so I will not be sleeping on you, and/or drooling on your shoulder. I very rarely snore, and I only ask you to move so I can go to the restroom if I really have to go.

Also, I won’t talk to you. I’ll mind my own damn business and not ask you questions about where you’re going or what you do. Frankly, I don’t care. And I’m deathly afraid that once I start the conversation you won’t stop and then I’ll be stuck pretending to be interested in you for the next 13 hours when all I want to do is sleep. So I say nothing.

Why can’t there be more people like me?

I’m going to start a match.com for frequent flyers. Everyone has a profile, and you can pick who you do and don’t want to sit next to based on several qualities. Be it business related, you could sit by those in similar industries, it could be a fantastic networking opportunity. Or if you’re going on vacation, you want to meet other people going to your same destination with similar interests. Or perhaps you just don’t want to get stuck next to the guy who farts or the crying baby.

(No flight of mine is complete without a crying baby. There was one on each of my two flights. The second flight was the worst, because the biggest baby I’ve ever seen was sitting right in front of me, leaning over the back of his mom’s seat and screaming in my face for about an hour. I have never stared at someone’s tonsils for so long...)

There will be a short questionnaire that asks important travel questions such as…

Do you smack your food loudly when you chew or do you have other disgusting eating habits?

Do you laugh obnoxiously at movies only you can hear and disturb others?

Do you wear your shirt unbuttoned so your robust belly hangs out?

Do you wear your pants so low you expose half of your hairy bum to all those in a 5 foot radius?

Do you behave like a child, even though you’ve got to be somewhere around 40?

Seemingly random questions, yet the man who sat next to me, Baby Huey, would have answered “yes” to them all.

I had actually seen him while everyone was boarding the plane. He cut in front of about 50 people, and ran/waddled to the front of the line. I immediately thought… “wow, that guy is an ass. Sucks for whoever has to sit next to him…”

Then I found my seat…

Well, shit.

***

Luckily, I have 5 more weeks before I have to deal with this problem again...

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Death & Destruction

Remember about a year ago, when we were invaded by bugs and I claimed that if killing bugs was an Olympic sport I would be the Michael Phelps of bug killing?

Remember how bugs were flying in the bed room and they were multiplying before my very eyes, and Lee was not helpful?

Remember how he left the room because I was "annoying" him, when in fact I was on a Rambo-Rampage, saving him from the worst bug infestation in history?

If not, then I shall refer you to I'm Michael Phelps... except with bugs.

But if you do remember, then I hope you enjoy this as much as I do.

***

Last night I heard a shrill shrieking sound coming from downstairs.

This could only be one thing...

Lee. Has. Seen. A. Bug.

Coming down the stairs I'm all, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

Bedroom door swings open, Lee's all, "We've been invaded!!!"

Door Slams.

I'm all, "Invaded? Invaded by what?"

Door opens, "Invaded by bugs!!! They are everywhere!!! I heard them in the bathroom... they were all fluttering by my ears... I could hear them everywhere!!" (This is all said while he jumps about smacking his ears...)

I'm all, "Ha. Yeah.. this happened before, remember?? And I took care of it. Your turn."

Sweet victory.

***

Of course I ended up helping him because he was making rookie mistakes... and also because I'm a control freak.

We marched around the house... a flip flop in each hand swatting bugs through the air... and smashing them on the floor.

When we were finished the place looked like a war zone.

Dead bodies scattered across the floor...

Me: Now, we have to kill the ones outside.

Lee: Outside? No.

Me: Yes. And I'm going to video.

Lee: No, you just want to catch me on video screaming like a girl.

Me: *Evil Grin*

***

Please note the "slaughter music" (Lee's words) that was chosen for this epic event.


video


I screamed more than he did...

Unusual.

Perhaps it was the camera or the slaughter music.

Either way, he makes an excellent Jason Lezak.

Friday, July 2, 2010

Bite Me



I've hit a new low...

Today marks the first time I have ever gone to the movies by myself.

And not that that's a bad thing. I'm not one of those people that can't eat by themselves in a restaurant or doesn't like to do things alone. In fact, sometimes I prefer it.

But today, I didn't see just any movie... I saw Eclipse!

And if you remember, The Saga... then you know how excited I was.

Many of the nicer movie theaters in the Philippines have assigned seating. You pick your seat when you buy your ticket, which I like because then I don't have to wait in line for four hours to get a good seat.

(Lee isn't a fan. He likes to be able to move about freely, away from crying baby, obnoxious teenagers, or that one guy who wants to commentate the movie for those sitting close by.)

Of course, I picked the one lone seat smack-dab in the middle of the theatre, much to the displeasure of the other movie patrons who were already seated.

I'm all, "excuse me... pardon me... oops, spilled a little popcorn there... you can eat it... I'm sure it's still good. Whoa, didn't realize it would have already started, thought there would be previews... excuse me. Hi, yeah... this is me. Yeah, that's my seat. Yes. Please move your shit. Don't roll your eyes at me... Yes I'm here alone, and yes... I am wearing a vampire t-shirt. Oh Bite Me!"

Ha! Get it? Pun so intended...

Obviously, only the first two sentences actually came out of my mouth... In reality, I ducked my head and scrambled to my seat through irritated huffs, and smiled real big hoping the girl with the rolly eyeballs would move her stuff out of my seat without me having to get physical, or say something that might get me beat up by a theatre full of Filipinos.

I can't think of anything more embarrassing then getting beat up in a movie theatre, while wearing a vampire t-shirt.

P.S. - I used to think I was pretty cool. But after reading what I just wrote, I can confirm that is no longer the case. The "Bite Me" thing was over the top. It's OK to be embarrassed for me.

On that note, I might as well admit that I was thinking about getting the Edward Cullen action figure...

and then I read this...


How. Awesome. Was. That?

I could keep myself entertained for weeks...

Now, I am definitely getting the Edward Cullen action figure, and maybe Jacob too.

It will totally freak Lee out...

He will not be pleased.




Thursday, July 1, 2010

Commercials Make Me Sick

I had to share this...





I see this commercial almost everyday, and each time I throw up in my mouth... just a little bit.

I have no desire to feel jiggly bits of anything in my beverage.

Only in the Philippines...

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

A Terrible Punishment

My neighbors are punishing me, and I don't know why.

It could be because I write blog entries about them...


But whatever the reason, nobody deserves to be subjected to the head splitting, ear bleeding karaoke that permeates from the house across the street. Starting at about... I don't know... seven-o'clock-in-the-morning!

It started a couple months ago when school let out for the summer.

It was a typically peaceful Wednesday morning... sun shining... birds chirping... all that crap.

And then the screeching started...

I ran outside to see what animal lie dying in the middle of the street, only to find it was my neighbors and their new karaoke machine.

Me: Hmmm... well this is going to be an interesting morning...

That interesting morning... turned into an "interesting" day.

At one o'clock in the afternoon the karaoke was still going strong, and I had visited every room in the house hoping to seek a silent refuge. Nowhere was safe.

It was at this point I started wishing for a brown-out... and searching for sharp objects to stab in my ears.

And still the karaoke continued... You would think they would stop for lunch... bathroom breaks... hoarse voices... something! No luck.

Some of the stand out performances included:

- Frank Sinatra's, My Way... I was fortunate enough to hear five different versions... a performance by each member of the family... "Pitchy," to say the least.

- Simple Plan's, Perfect... the "perfect" song to be sung by a small child, "I'm saaaaawweeyyy I can't beee puuuuuwwwwfect." Awesome.

- Gloria Gaynor's, I Will Survive... a karaoke classic no matter which country you live.

- Jackson 5's, I'll Be There... a special Tagalog version, it just wasn't the same...

And the most bothersome song of all?

- Lady Gaga, Bad Romance... sung by a group of children ranging in ages from 7-13... Something about a seven-year-old screaming, " I want your psycho, your vertical stick... baby your sick... I want your loooove!" is very very disturbing.

I thought once school started back up again I would get some reprieve...

... And I will admit the week days are quieter now, except for when mom & dad belt out a love song or two. It appears now Saturdays and Sundays are now reserved for their family karaoke concert series. Which means you can find me locked up in my room, with my fancy orange ear plugs.

Only in the Philippines can your neighbors sentence you to "death by karaoke."

***UPDATED: Singapore: A Fine City****

I decided to get back in the writing mode...

... right before I went on vacation for a week. Which is why I didn't post at all last week.

This is typical... and just one more reason why my commitment level to writing and my commitment level to exercise appear to be one in the same.


***

Moving on...

I went to Singapore! Normally, I break up my vacations into several posts, but seeing as I haven't been writing much lately, I have a lot to say and I don't have time for a Singapore series. So I'm going to keep it short and sweet and tell you the things you need to know about Singapore.

First of all, Singapore is an amazing place, it ranks right up there with Tokyo for me. I find Singapore to be different from Tokyo, but sort of the same. It's like Tokyo is the 20-year-old wild and crazy version of you... full of energy and ready for a good time. And Singapore is you at 30... a little more relaxed... you have a career, possibly a family... priorities. I mean, don't get me wrong you're still the same old you... you still like to have fun... but you no longer wake up every Tuesday morning with a hangover.

And the food... oh... glorious food. One sure fire way to win me over? Feed me. I'll love you forever. Singapore even went as far as to introduce me to Chocolate-Whiskey flavored ice cream. It's like they knew what I wanted before I even knew it existed. God bless you Singapore.

A word from the wise... be wary of the escalators. And this is important. First trip down one of those bad boys and I almost fell flat on my ass. They travel at lightning speed. Greatest accomplishment of the trip? Successfully riding one in four inch heels.

Think you want to try the famous Singapore Sling? Think again. Now, I may be snobby about some things, but liquor is not one of them. I went to school in west texas, where when it comes to liquor it is about quantity... not quality. Needless to say, I know bad liquor. Not only was the Singapore sling the worst $25 drink I've ever had, it was the worst. drink. ever.

When having a day of Zoo fun, beware. Apparently, it's now safe to let animals wander freely about the zoo. The first sign we came across said,

Long-Tailed Macaque
... If you encounter macaques, keep a safe distance and avoid eye contact. Do not tease or feed them. They may turn aggressive and bite.

You have got to be kidding me. Animals that "may turn aggressive" are roaming the zoo, so don't look at them.. they may attack?!?

The only thing less comforting were the signs about the snakes that are also sans enclosure. They said something about how - they often disguise themselves as vines, they are usually docile, but if you have any problems with them find a zoo employee. -

Yeah. Freakin'. Right.

I hate snakes. And the thought of running into one, no matter how "docile" is terrifying.

This now means my whole zoo trip is ruined. I am now searching the vines for snakes, while trying to make sure I don't make eye contact with a monkey. How am I supposed to concentrate on the tigers, giraffes or elephants when I'm trying to leave the zoo without being traumatized by an aggressive monkey or a seemingly ordinary vine that turns out to be a snake.

Chinatown was quite possibly the best Chinatown I have been to in any big city. It was clean and the people were lovely. We asked one of the shop owners for a lunch recommendation and he walked us over 4 or 5 blocks to a restaurant, where he ordered for us because they didn't speak English. It was some of the best chinese food I've ever had.

Little India on the other hand was less impressive, which I found to be very disappointing because I was really looking forward to the visit. Not only were there less people and less to see, but unfortunately, I think I may be allergic to incense... I was there about an hour and left with itchy eyes, singed nose hairs and I felt like my head was swimming. I've never had this problem in Buddhist temples, so I thought perhaps it was a different form of incense.

Seeing as how I know nothing about incense and very little about Indian culture I went to Google for help.

WTF? These are Google's suggestions for "why"?

It was at this point, I got side tracked on a quest to own a Canadian and never learned anything further on Indian culture or incense.

Lastly, before going to Singapore it is important to know the rules.

There is a joke about Singapore being a "fine" city because there are a lot rules and if you break them it will cost you.

Here are just a few:

No eating or drinking on the MRT - Fine - $500.00

Not flushing a public toilet - Fine - $150.00

No smoking in air conditioned spaces - Fine - $1000.00

No littering - Fine - $1000.00

Importing Chewing Gum - Jail Time

Possession of fire works - Caning

Vandalism - Caning

Drug Possession - Death

Singapore doesn't mess around...

Airport security in the Singapore airport was like nothing I've ever seen. There were no men with guns, or drug sniffing dogs. I didn't have to take off my shoes or my jacket. I didn't have to put things in quart size plastic bag. I simply put my bag through the x-ray machine, and they gave it back to me.

It's like Singapore was saying, "We aren't going to put you through the typical airport B$^#*%!, but just know... if you screw up... we. will. kill. you."

Damn, I love that place.

***

***UPDATE***

Just came across this picture, and forgot to include it the first time I posted.

This is an ad outside a waxing salon...

Hilarious!


Up-size in 30 minutes with a "Boyzilian Wax"?!?!?

Now, that's good advertising.

Classic.