Tuesday, December 1, 2009

God Bless America

I had been away from the states for seven months, so there were plenty of things I missed. My family took me out for Mexican food as soon as I landed, and we made a pit stop at Target on the way home. (Oh, Target... how I love thee...)

I have to admit I went to Target eight times in two weeks. Most of the time I didn't really need anything... I just wanted to touch stuff.

I also made a list of all the things I wanted to eat while I was back, and I can say I succeeded in eating every single thing. The list is as follows:

Mexican Food
Milk
Corn Dogs
Turkey Sandwiches
Ranch Dip & Ruffles
Eggo Waffles
Blue Cheese Dressing
Pizza
Babe's Fried Chicken
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
Carmel Rolls
Coca Cola Ribs
Taco Salad

As you can tell... I'm a real health nut.

I even enjoyed going to Walmart! Walmart... the place that used to spark minor panic attacks... (you should see the Walmart by my parent's house... I swear it houses a whole different breed of people.) ... now seemed to have an awe factor. They have everything there! There is a whole row dedicated to paper towels... Did you know this? At my grocery store in the Philippines, they usually have about five rolls in stock... total. At Walmart you could buy a life time supply of paper towels in one trip. Amazing.

While there were things I missed about being home there were definitely things I could live without. Although, most of these qualities can be found worldwide... it makes my skin crawl when fellow American's illustrate these behaviors.

1. UNNECESSARY RUDENESS

On the airplane from Japan to Dallas...

Sweet Japanese Man: (In broken english) Excuse Ma'am. Where can I put carry on? Full here. Is there room in other bins?

McBitchy AA Flight Attendant: Ugh! I don't know... is there?

Sweet Japanese Man: *confused*

McBitchy AA Flight Attendant: Is that your bag? Ugh! That's to big to carry on anyway.... take it to the front.


McBitch... right?! I'm sorry... is it not your job to "attend" to passengers on the airplane? It's in her fancy freakin' job title... if she's not going to be helpful, then we should just call her what she really is... a rude, overpaid waitress.

She continued for the entire 12 hour flight... I wanted to say something but my fear of being kicked off the plane and left in Japan was far too great.

McBitchy AA Flight Attendant: Can I get you something to drink???..... CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING TO DRINK???... CAN. I. GET. YOU. SOMETHING. TO. DRINK.?

And later...

McBitchy AA Flight Attendant: Chicken or Beef. CHICK-EN oooorrrr BEEEEEEEFF....

Seriously, American Airlines should consider putting people with some patience on international flights where 75% of the people don't speak fluent English or even consider some bilingual staff.

I mean, the pilot could speak Japanese... or at least he could say, "Welcome to American Airlines flight 060, thank you for flying with us today and we hope you enjoy your flight." (Ok... who am I kidding... I don't know if he said that. But that's what he said in english... so I can only assume...)

Not only that, but generally the Asian cultures go over and above expectations when it comes to service... so they are probably shocked when someone in the service industry is so rude.

Way to go McBitchy... you just made us all look like a bunch of assholes. I'm sure every Japanese person on that plane, who has never been to America, is just thrilled to meet us now.

I seriously considered writing American Airlines a letter.

Me: Maybe I should write American Airlines a letter and tell them how rude their staff is, and how they aren't making a very good first impression on people. After all, they are called, "American Airlines."

Lee: Yeah, you should totally do that!

Me: Really? You think I should?

Lee: Of course! Maybe we will get a free flight!

Me: What....?

Lee: Yeah! I called the Jack in the Box 800 number one time, to complain, and they sent me coupons for a bunch of free stuff!

Me: Yeah... I don't think it's the same.

***

2. STUPIDITY

Red Neck Man - Looook honey, we have our own TV screens!

Clueless Wife - Yes, how do you make it work? (Poke Poke Poke)

Red Neck Man - Ma'am. Ma'am! We can't get our TVs a workin.

Less Bitchy Flight Attendant: Sir, the screens will begin working after take off.

Red Neck Man - Yeah... we can't make 'em work.

Clueless Wife - *poke poke poke*

Well, Clueless Wife sat directly behind me... and continued to forcefully poke her screen... aka... the back of my head for 15 freakin' minutes.

(Yes, please poke the screen as hard as you can... that will make it work... good thinking... idiots.)

Red Neck Man - Technology these days....

No sir. You are just a moron.

***

3. PARENTAL INCOMPETENCE

Nobody likes to see people with babies on long flights. Especially me. I have very little patience for strange children... especially the crying variety. Inevitably, there are all always crying children on my flights... and they always sit near me. Honestly, I think God is punishing me.

Well, low and behold there is a crying child on our 12 hour flight. But what can you do... babies cry. So, yelling at a baby won't do me much good... plus, then I'd be the asshole and not Lady McBitch.

So I put in my head phones and turn up "My Sister's Keeper" as loud as it can go.

12 hours and one giant headache later... we get off the plane.

To my surprise... "little crying baby..." turns out to be a freakin five-year-old. WTF?!

If I would have known this, I would have flung the kid and his parents out of the emergency exit a long time ago! I see no reason why a five-year-old should cry for 12 hours straight... that ladies and gentleman is why they invented NyQuil.

***

4. DOUCHE-Y-NESS

At the bar....

Douche - So... you come here often?

Me: Seriously...? That's what you're opening with?

Douche - Haha.

Me: Yeah. Funny. But to answer your question, no... I live in the Philippines. (The best part about this is..."I live in the Philippines" sounds like the equivalent of "No, I'm busy tonight... washing my hair." But... this time it's the truth! Awesome.)

Douche - Philippines huh? Crazy.

Me: Yeah, so... anyway... nice to meet you. (Trying to be polite... dying to be a bitch.)

Douche - When do you go back?

Me: Soon. Well, have a good night...

Douche - Well, I don't see why you can't have one crazy night... ya know.

Me: Excuse me...?

Douche - Yeah, you know.... live free.

Me: Live free....?

Douche - Live free... one night before you go back to the Philippines.

Me: Wow... I didn't think things could get more awkward, seeing as how this conversation began... but it definitely has... So I'm just going to say no. For multiple, multiple reasons.... No. The most important one being I'm married.... ( A flash of the ring.)

Douche - Married?! (A long drink of his beer... and he's gone.)

Moral of the story? A wedding ring is kryptonite for Douche-Man. If I would have known how powerful this thing was, I would have started wearing one years ago... seriously! It works way better than saying you have herpes... or that you're a lesbian... believe me... I've said both. The scariest thing you can say to a 25-year-old man is marriage... keep that in mind.

***

5. SNOBBYNESS

Dear Young People of Dallas,

Congratulations on being better than everyone else. You must be very excited for yourselves, and thankful for all those people who made this possible. Starting with your yuppie fathers... because really, if it wasn't for his credit card you'd be living pay-check to pay-check in your "high powered" corporate entry level position.

Secondly, you should thank your employer for giving you such a fancy title... "Junior Executive" or "Associate Manager" sounds so much better than "Copy Maker," "Phone Answerer," or "Ass Kisser." No amount of bragging to your friends would make those titles impressive.

And last but not least, you should thank each other. Because without your fellow Dallasites you wouldn't have a bunch of over-dressed, unappreciative, and small minded idiots to compete with. It is this "Keeping up with the Jones's" mentality that has made Dallas what it is today, and America for that matter.

Your Biggest Fan,

Keely


In the bathroom line... at the bar...

Me: I like your hat.

Snobby Girl: (Looks me up and down... rolls her eyes...) Thanks....

Me: Ok... well, I don't really like your hat. But I couldn't stop staring at the chunk of feathers attached your fat head so I figured I should say something....

(Ok, you're right... I didn't say that. I'm not that ballsy... and I don't have a death wish. That chick was way bigger than me... she would have squished me... plus, my shoes were too cute to take them off and beat her with them.)

God Bless America... we need it.

:)