Sunday, November 22, 2009

Vacation Cliff Notes Style... Well, sort of.

I haven't written in a while... mostly because I've been in the states, which was marvelous and terrific and wonderful and every other word that means awesome! I have plenty to say about that... but I have yet to finish the stories of my vacation. Stories which involve Lee being a sucker... adventures of searching for the perfect hotel room... toilets with super powers... a prostitution beach and a potentially deadly floating bar.

Sounds like a lot for one vacation? I know.

The point is... I have to finish these stories before I can write about anything else, because everything must be in chronological order... because I'm OCD like that. So here is the rest of our vacation... in Cliff Note form. Enjoy!

***
"Lee being a sucker"

Many a blog entry has been written due to the things that come out of Lee's mouth... Example...

And here is one more....

Lee is a sucker. Plain. And. Simple. He's the guy who listens to the wild tales of homeless people and every con man's sales pitch. (One time... Lee bought "VIP" tickets for a club in Vegas, from a guy on the strip named "Z." Eighty dollars later we found out that there was nothing VIP about it. Not that I was surprised. Never trust a guy with one letter in his name...)

So.. these people know he is an easy sale...

Souvenir Selling Lady #1: Ma'am you buy from me! Ma'am you buy!

Me: I'll look, but I'm not going to buy. Thanks.

Souvenir Selling Lady #2: Sir! You buy from me sir! I'll give you good price.

Hassan: No.

Souvenir Selling Lady #3: Sir, you buy from me?

Lee: Ok.

Souvenir Selling Lady #4: No Sir, you buy from me. Sir!

Lee: Ok.

Souvenir Ladies: No, Sir.. buy from me. Sir please, please buy from me.

Etc... etc..

Within ten seconds he was surrounded by five women... he was trapped.

When he emerged he carried 4 koozies. (Although they are really more like baskets than koozies... so not really very practical.... but hey, if you ever need a beer size basket, Lee's your man.)

Me: You're a sucker.

Lee: Whatever. These are pretty cool.

Me: *silence*

Lee: Ok... But they surrounded me! I didn't know what to do! How did y'all get out of it?

Hassan: We just said no.

Lee: (defeated and pissed) Yeah, ok... I'm a sucker.

That night at dinner...

Hassan: I swear, just about every straw I've gotten here is broken... these straws suck.

Lee: Yeah, and these toothpicks sucks too. Everything sucks here! They can't make toothpicks or straws... They spend all their time making shitty souvenirs.


Awesome.

***

After two nights at Coco Beach we wanted to check out something new. After riding through the choppy water in a death capsule we made it to Sabang Beach. We didn't have a reservation... but once we were safely on shore I decided the resort I wanted to stay in just happened to be the big white one... on the opposite end of the beach. So the three of us drug three suitcases, a beach bag and a computer bag through the sand and over the rocks all the way across the beach.


And that was only the beginning...

We then proceeded to look at just about every room in the facility... we went up stairs and down stairs, around the pool, through the restaurant, upstairs, then downstairs, to get a key, to unlock another room, to see a room that was under construction, to go back upstairs, to go back downstairs, and then do it all over again.



An hour later... we ended up in our a room a sweaty mess... but it was totally worth it.

Not only because the room rocked... but because it had a cereal bowl shaped bath tub in the middle of the room and a toilet with super powers!

I got in the bath tub immediately. Because seriously... what is cooler than a cereal bowl shaped bathtub? In the middle of the room? And I didn't even mention that it had claw feet! Of course... there was no time for me to actually fill the tub with water... so naturally I just sat in it. No water. Fully dressed.


Photo: Courtesy of Hassan... an unplanned action shot...


Then he realized you could see Lee's reflection in the mirror... so we continued with the cheesy photo shoot.

Then... we found the toilet. (Which wasn't too difficult seeing as how the bathroom only had half walls and there was no door. I made it clear very early on that any bath room breaks of the number "two" variety would need to be taken in the lobby bathroom facilities. ThankYouVeryMuch.) This was a toilet like no other I've seen. I didn't even get a picture because I was too shocked to think clearly.

Me: Hey! Come look at this toilet. It has a remote control!

Hassan: Sweet!

Me: Look all these buttons... what do you think they do?

Hassan: I don't know... let's find out.

Button Number 1....

Me: What is that?

Hassan: What's it doing?

Me: Oh no way.... a little arm is coming out from under the toilet bowl...

Hassan: It's squirting water!

Me: Awesome!

Hassan: Ok, try this one.

Button Number 2...

Me: Dryer.... very nice.... So, what do you think the smiley face button does?

Button Number 3...

Lee: What the hell is that?

Hassan: Hahahahaha

Me: Oh-my-god! Turn it off! The water is hitting the ceiling!!

Lee: The water is coming over the wall and getting everything wet!

Me: Smiley face indeed....

***

Soon after we got to the hotel things started to happen which ultimately led us to discover we were on a beach built for prostitutes.

Me: Hey... there are condoms in the mini bar! Condoms! What the hell? What kind of place is this?

This was Clue #1...

In the part of the Philippines where we live, girls don't even wear two piece swimsuits... they play religious songs in the mall... and they blast prayers through a mega phone throughout town. I have yet to see any form of contraception... even in drug stores... so you can imagine my surprise to find three condoms for 30 pisos in the hotel mini bar.

Clue #2... was found walking towards the restaurants and bars later that night....

Me: Check out some of these girls outfits... talk about sass! O.M.G.

Clue #3... at the "bar."

Me: So... there are a lot of older white men here with young filipino girls... Where do you think they are from? Do you think they all live in Manila?

Lee: Yeah, I don't know.

Me: They probably just come down here on the weekends.

Clue #4... later... at the "bar."

Me: Have you seen that girl over there?!

Hassan: Umm... yeah!

Me: What the hell is she doing? I can see her panties!

Hassan: I know. Did you see what she just did to that pool stick?

Me: Yeah... that's really dirty...

...

Me: So guys... I was thinking... and I think we are in a whore house.

It was like all of a sudden everything became so clear...

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!


(The next day we saw this sign in one of the bars... it used to say: "The most shooters in one night at the point bar 2,068 New Year's Eve 2006. Can you beat it?" Someone had since erased the "s" and changed the "t" to a "k"... and it now reads: "The most hookers in one night at the point bar 2,068 New Year's Eve 2006. Can you beat it?" Awesome.)

***

Dear Lonely Planet,
While I enjoy the assistance your guide offers while traveling in the Philippines, in the future I would appreciate a bit more detail when it comes to the description of beaches such as Sabang.

Your current description states:

"By day it's relaxed while divers dive and drinkers sleep; around sunset a metamorphosis takes place as watering holes open, barflies settle in, music cranks up and all types of nightlife emerge."

Watering holes open? True.

Barflies settle in? I guess you could say that.

Music cranks up? Sure, why not?

Now, the part I'm having trouble with is the, "all types of nightlife emerge." I feel that a more accurate description would read as follows:

"... watering holes open, barflies settle in, music cranks up and shameless old men can be seen with one, or maybe two, of the scantily clad ladies, of the whorish variety, whom stand post every few feet. "

Please take into consideration these changes before printing your next addition of, Lonely Planet: Philippines.

Regards,

Keely

***

If the sign wasn't enough, our suspicions of prostitution were confirmed the next day when we talked to some creepy man on a potentially deadly floating bar. Apparently, everyone goes to Sabang for one of two reasons... diving and/or "nightlife," and everyone knows it. There's no shame in it. In fact, I'm sure everyone thought we were the weird ones... 3 young Americans... 1 girl... 2 guys... and zero hookers. Hmmm....




Floating Bar. In theory... excellent idea. In reality... death trap. With every wave I thought the top level would come crashing down on us, as it squeaked and buckled under the pressure of the wind and water. Not to mention that I was almost thrown overboard trying to get to the bathroom. And I would like to point out that I was totally sober... imagine what happens when drunk people need to pee! That bar is a lawsuit waiting to happen. Then there is the slide... looks awesome I know. That is until the random little kids climb on board and start running around the bar, jumping off the second level, and shooting off the slide.

Me: There are kids... in a bar... this is inappropriate.

Lee: I know, right! I mean, I don't care if their mom's are whores... they shouldn't be here.

Ha! I love him.

***

Later that night we set out to find out all about Sabang prostitution...

The chef at one of the resorts told us you can get them delivered to your room for 50 USD a night. Interesting...

We also found out that there are no ATM's on the beach... which is strange seeing how prostitution is a cash based business.


Lee: I don't have much cash left we need to find an ATM, but I haven't see one yet.

Me: Well, they have to have one... it's not like hookers take credit.

Hassan: Hey man, we need to get some cash... do you know where we can find an ATM?

German Gentleman: Sorry, don't know. We came prepared.

Hassan: Ha... alright, thanks buddy.

Me: Sick.

The only ATM was in the town 30 minutes away. Now, that's just not good business...

***

Later, we got beat by a hooker in pool... repeatedly... she beat all three of us. A few drinks in and I started to ask her questions... I found out...

- She's 21... so legal... that's a plus
- She was "entertaining" an Austrian, who was actually about our age. He was there with his Dad. Classy.
- She taught me how to flirt in Tagalog. Well, not really. She taught me how to say "Nice ass," which in my book is more sexual harassment than anything else. But when dealing with hookers, one probably doesn't need to work on their pick-up lines...

***

So that's was our trip... all in all I would say it was very.... umm... educational.

Gah! This post was long... so much for Cliff Notes...