Wednesday, September 30, 2009

"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"

White guys can't dance.

I realize this is not a new concept but the fact was reiterated a couple of weekends ago.

This seems to be genetic... no rhythm right from birth... many try to hide and avoid dancing at all costs.

But then they get older... they start dating a much younger woman, they try and keep up with her at the bar, and end up showing off their oh-so-awesome dance moves. It rocks!

The older white gentleman with a filipino girl half his age is not an uncommon occurrence and they are often seen attached to one another at local night clubs.

And usually their dance moves are all about the same...

There is the one which I like to call "The Boxer." You know... bouncing on their toes, arms close to their sides protecting their bodies, with the slight head bob from side to side...

Then there's "The Dinosaur." It's similar to The Boxer, accept with limp wrists and a little more front to back action with the head...

Then there are the classics which include things like "The Chicken," "The Sprinkler," and whatever you call that one where they shake their butts and point to the ceiling... is there a name for that one? We should make one up.

Well, this last time I saw something completely new and totally awesome..

I'm calling it "The Nazi"...

It went something like...

Step to the right...2..3..4

Heil Hitler!

Step to the left...2...3...4..

Heil Hitler!

He had the Hilter Salute down to an art form. And anyone who can make up a Nazi dance to Chris Brown is choreographically a genius!

Now, this was not like any other dance move I've ever seen so I can obviously assume he's not from America... he is probably from somewhere more "cultured"... like Europe.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

I'm Hilarious...

Last night...

Me: What are you doing?

Lee: Checking my fantasy football...

Me: Ugh.... (Really, I love fantasy football... but I'm not in a league this year because the boys are tired of playing me with because I always beat them... so now I'm bitter when he spends hours deciding whether or not he should trade Braylon Edwards... Especially because I told Lee to trade him 2 seconds after I found out he was on his team... because he sucks. I had him two year in a row, and he sucked.)

Lee: *ignoring me*

Me: Well, I'll just send out a hilariously awesome tweet to all my followers... because they rock! (All 24 of them)

Lee: Don't do that.

Me: Ummm... why not?

Lee: Because you're drunk... and what you think is funny now, is probably not really funny.

Me: Well, you're probably not funny...

*My Tweets*

TheUndomesticHWI'm a little bit drunk.. Lee said i should just say nothing instead of the awesome tweet i was gonna leave...

TheUndomesticHWI bet you wish you knew what it was now huh?!?!

TheUndomesticHWNow you'll never know...

TheUndomesticHWBlame Lee... that's what I always do.

Awesome... Tweeting should be on the list of things you should never do after drinking... along with driving, texting and ex's.

At this point I think I'm really clever so I turn to Lee to be a smart ass and find him like this...




This man has the ability to fall asleep mid-sentence... It looks like he fell asleep mid-mouse move... It seems to me that maybe he was the one who was a little bit drunk...

And P.S.... Mr. Bigg looks terrified. It's probably from my evil laughter. I took several of these pictures and each one was funnier than the last. I of course chose the most flattering picture to post here because I do not in fact, want to get divorced.

Me: I can't believe he is asleep. This is ridiculous. I'll show him... I am not drunk... just hilarious.

(This is about the time when I think it would be a good idea to change the web page he is looking at... that way when he wakes up... he'll see it and be all confused and it will be awesome... because apparently... that is hilarious.)

Me: Hmmm.... let's see... www.yourestupid.com... hahaha. Wait... What? www.yourestupid.com is not a web site? What the heck? You would think somebody would want that.... hmmm... ok... www.youredumb.com What?! That's not one either... well that sucks... Hmmm. hahahahahaha... I know!

5:30 am... the alarm goes off.
5:40 am...

Lee: Why were you looking at porn on my computer?
Me: Huh? Oh I wasn't... I guess you were.... hahahaha. See... hilarious.

**Update**
And this just in... now I only have 23 followers... someone un-followed me... jerk. See... Don't drink and tweet.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Rear View



Can't see the video? Click here.

The only reason I posted this video is so one you could see how awesome this slide is... two how Lee and I knock little kids out of the way so we can play on the slide... and three so you could see the slide that split the backside of Lee's swimsuit open.

If I had been there you better believe there would be video of that... or at least pictures of his bare butt hanging out of the back of his swimsuit. Unfortunately, I was getting a pedicure at the time... and yes... my husband was at the pool playing on the slide by himself. But there were plenty of other hotel guests around to see it. :)

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Don't worry... Let your baby play in the Shark Tank

After our visit to the Fort we made our way to the Ocean Park Aquarium...

Below are 8 reasons why I may never scuba dive again...




Can't see the video... click here.

Lee and I were laughing about how some of the things they do at the Aquarium in the Philippines would never fly anywhere else.

Like the Fish Spa... You can go and stick your feet in the water with a bunch of fish and let them bite your feet. This can't be good for your feet or the poor fish who are eating your nasty foot fungus.

Then there is the open shark tank. Where you can go right up to the glass, and grab a fin if you like. Sure they have a small sign that says, "Hands Off." But honestly, who is going to pay attention to that? Not the half a dozen people we saw with there hands in the shark tank.

Not to mention the little boat you can take out in the middle of the shark tank. You know, your average little paddle boat with a big hole in the bottom so you can see the sharks. Safe for the whole family... the advertisement shows a baby in a life jacket... in a shark tank.

Sure... Black Tip Reef Sharks aren't the most aggressive members of the shark family... but they are curious and they will bite you if you are splashing around in their home.

Not the best place for baby... even I know this.


***
While looking at the sharks....

Lee: (quietly... through gritted teeth) Hey. Turn around a look behind me... are those girls taking pictures of me?
Me: *Turn around... playing it oh so cool* Umm... ha! Definitely.... hahaha. She is standing right next to you... and they are both laughing.
Lee: Great...
Me: Wow, they are still going at it. They are taking a bunch. They either think you are famous, like everyone else in this country... or they just think you are tall and goofy looking...
Lee: ha! Watch this...

All of sudden Lee turns around super fast and gives the camera a big cheesy grin. The girls take one last picture and run away shrieking with laughter, and probably pretty embarrassed.

Me: That was the best thing I've ever seen. The highlight of my weekend!

Monday, September 21, 2009

Hello I am an American, and No I am not an Actress.

Last weekend we went to Fort Santiago. Fort Santiago was a Spanish military fort built in the 1500's, and it was where the Philippine national hero, Jose Rizal was imprisoned before his execution in the late 1800's for prompting the revolution against the Spanish. Most of it was destroyed in the Battle of Manila in WWII, but it has since been restored and in 1950 it was named a Shrine of Freedom. It remains a memorial for all Filipinos who have fought and died for the cause of freedom.


The Fort

The Moat

Memorial


Dungeon Cell

***

Girls: Ma'am! Ma'am! Sir! Sir! Excuse. Ma'am! Sir!

I ignore them.

Because A) I have been trying to stay away from the 100's of annoying kids that have been running around the monument all day and so far it's been working out for me and B) well, because I'm just rude.

Lee answers them.

Lee: Yeah
Girl 1: Oh sir, you are so very handsome! Can we take a picture with you?
Girls: Oh yes, please please. Please Sir!
Lee: Ha. You want to take a picture with me?
Me: Hahahaha. Go for it Lee. Take a picture with them.
Girl 2: Oh you too Ma'am. You are so very beautiful!

(Right... they just feel obligated to take a picture with me. Who's rude now?)

They take pictures with us on their phones. So of course I have to have one too...


Girl 3: Ma'am! Where are you from?
Me: The US
Girls: *Confused*
Me: The United States...
Girls: Oh!! Ma'am, what is your name?
Me: Keely
Girls: Oh, Keely. Are you an actress?
Me: Ha. No.
Girls: Why not?
Me: Ummm.. I'm just not. Ok, bye.


Why not? Well for starters... being actress would require a little thing called, an ability to act... followed by a million other reasons I won't name because then I'll just start feeling sorry for myself.

I have come to the conclusion that many filipinos only see Americans on TV. So naturally they assume that if you are from the United States then you must be a model... remember the little obnoxious girl from the bookstore? A movie star... like the waiters on our vacation. Or at the very least they think because you are an American you must be friends with every US celebrity... like the Uber- Feminine male nurse.

Or... they all think I have low self esteem and are trying to make me feel better about myself.

But that couldn't possibly be it. Right?





The Philippines stole Starbucks

Lee and I went to Manila this past weekend. And with every trip to Manila there is a required Starbucks stop.

Me: Hi. I'd like a Venti iced green tea.
Barista: (Do you still call them a barista even if it's a guy? Seems like it would be baristo... hmm... anyway) Ok Ma'am!
Me: Ok, now, I want an Iced Green Tea... not the Iced Green Tea Latte... I've had that, it tastes like grass... Iced Green Tea. (Obviously I've had this problem before.)
Barista: *Confusion*
Me: Green Tea. Iced. Venti.
Barista: *Leaves counter to go whisper with other barista/baristo* *Head shaking*
Me: *Impatiently waiting*
Barista: Sorry ma'am. Not available. Our iced tea is passion fruit.
Me: Hmmm... not available... Right... Do you have hot green tea?
Barista: Oh yes ma'am! Hot green tea we have!
Me: Yeah... give me a Venti hot green tea... and a cup of ice.
Barista: Ok ma'am!


Seriously?

Lack of communication? Maybe.
Lack of common sense? Most definitely.


I think Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks, should know that taking this company global was not good for quality control.

"A global company The Starbucks Experience is about passion for a quality product, excellent customer service, and people. With over 4500 coffeehouses in 47 countries, it is clear that our passion transcends language and culture."

Nope. They are going to need more than passion to transcend this language and this culture.

Also, when I got on the Web site to copy their "global company" statement, I searched the global locations. The Philippines wasn't even listed. Obviously Howie doesn't even know Manila stole several Starbucks branches and they are now operating illegally.

This totally makes sense now.

Case solved.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Do Not Disturb

Lee has a long weekend coming up because the Philippines recognizes Eid ul Fitr as a national holiday. Which I think is a little strange since it is an Islamic holiday that marks the end of Ramadan, and the Philippines is a nation made up of about 80% Roman Catholics, 15% Protestants and less than 5% Muslims. But whatever... I think Filipinos will use any excuse to throw a party. Which totally works for me!

Any how, I want to spend the weekend at the beach and this seems like the perfect time to do it, so I've been checking out the different resort options.

Now, we've stayed at hotels in Manila, which all have the typical standard when it comes to accommodations and amenities. But I've noticed some big differences in what many hotels and resorts claim as amenities in other parts of the province. Many are quite different from what I have been accustomed too.

Things that shouldn't be considered amenities but are anyway:

1. Aircon.

First of all, in Texas, air conditioning isn't considered an amenity... it comes standard... it's freakin' hot. You don't even need to mention it on the list of amenities, because it's expected.

It's like saying, "Oh, and we will be providing you a bed to sleep on!!"

Umm... duh.

Second of all.... Aircon?? Everybody says that here, and it drives me nuts. I hate it when people abbreviate words that don't need to be abbreviated, and I really hate it when people abbreviate words incorrectly. If we have to abbreviate air conditioner, at least say A/C...

A/C is acceptable, Aircon is not.


2. Hot and Cold Water

This amenity is one with great bragging rights. And hotel employees will no doubt brag about it when it is available. This sounds like a no brainer too... it's not. In the states, you turn on the water... anywhere... sink, bath tub, shower... and you have two options, hot or cold. You even get really fancy... with all your warm and cool temperatures in the middle.

Do not take this for granted.

3. Private Bathroom

All I can say is I better get a private bathroom. What is this the dorms? Yes, I realize many hostels have community bathrooms, but I'm staying at a beach front resort... not a hostel. And I don't think we even have hostels in the States... that seems like more of a European thing... We Americans need our privacy.

You'll be lucky if you get:

1. TV

Most of the places don't have one. Especially if you are staying near the beach... which I guess makes sense, because you probably didn't go to the beach to watch TV. But what the hell, do they expect me and Lee to do when we are finished at the beach... talk to each other? Right....

2. Matching Sheets and Plenty of Blankets

Lee and I stayed at this one hotel on our road trip that didn't have matching sheets. The pillow cases were plaid, and the sheets were some funky flowered print. It was like going to stay with some weird relative. Then they gave of us, one tiny scratchy blanket.

Which I still hogged all night even though it was tiny and scratchy.

But they probably at least wash them. Unlike those sperm blankets that live in US hotel rooms. I know you've seen that 20/20 special or Nightline when they bust in the hotel with the black lights. Now, that's the scariest thing I've ever seen.

(That's why you should always stay at Hiltons because they use duvets... which is genius!)

So in this case tiny scratchy blanket may be better than bodily fluid blanket.

3. No Bugs

Cockroach in my hotel room in the States....

- Find Bug
- Scream...
- Call Front Desk
- Scream some more.
- Maintenance comes to the room.
- Scream some more.
- Request to change rooms.
- Expect many apologies... and maybe some free room service.
- Then possibly switch hotels.

Cockroach in my hotel room in the Philippines...

- Find bug..
- Kill it.
- Sweet! There was only one.

No bugs here is a major bonus.

So, five months in and I think I'm actually getting used to this. I may be on a beach vacation with no TV, bed sheets circa 1976, and plenty of bugs... but hey, I'm on a beach vacation!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Saturday with Jack... leads to Sunday with Tony

Saturday Night... Lee and I went to the bar and spent time with our friend Jack Daniels...


Sunday... Lee was nauseous on the golf course, and I spent time with my friend Tony Roma where I ate a monster cheeseburger to help me get over my hangover... damn Jack....


I think we are getting old...


***


Lee: Ooohhh, you know what I was thinking about today?

Me: What?

Lee: You know how, for a long time...

Me: *blank stare*

Lee: like in the world...

Me: *blank stare*

Lee: There was alcohol?....But... there was no advil...

Me: *blank stare*

Lee: That would suck

Me: Thats it?

Lee: Yeah


Enlightening huh?

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Road Trip Weekend - Hidden Valley Springs Resort

Me: Ok... look for a Caltex gas station and a sign that says Hidden Valley Springs Resort.
Lee: That's stupid...
Me: Why?... Because they shouldn't have a sign for a "hidden" valley.
Lee: hahahaha... you're on to me... That's awesome!
Me: No... it's scary. That means I'm starting to think like you.
Lee: You should be so lucky... My mind's a treasure.
Me: ?

***

The resort was definitely hidden. We had to ask around and drive out into the middle of no where to find it. It was a great place though. You are literally in the middle of the jungle, and they have several natural spring pools, both warm and cool.


This is the warm pool...



We went there at the crack of dawn because I was too scared to trek into the jungle at night when we got there. Do you know how many horror movies include a couple in a hot spring getting hacked into little tiny pieces? But I'm not paranoid or anything...


Later we went on a hike...


300-year-old trees... very cool.
Note: Self timer on your camera... genius.

Then I got attacked...




Obviously we couldn't go trekking through the jungle without Crocodile Hunter accents... that's what those were supposed to be in case you were completely confused. Although I couldn't stay in character with bugs swimming in my eyes.... I will say however that our accents sounded much better then, in real time, then they do on the video now... hmm.

***

Me: You know... in spite of everything... I am an excellent hiker.
Lee: You are not an excellent hiker.
Me: Yes I am.
Lee: No you're not. But at least you try...
Me: No. I'm an excellent hiker. It's not my fault that bugs conspire against me and try to blind me by flying in my eyes...
Lee: *blank stare*

***

Then we headed for the lover's pool... for luuvvaaaasss... which is how we pronounced it the entire time... if you have no idea what I'm talking about... then I feel sorry for you. Best of Will Ferrell? SNL? Lover's in a hot tub?? Still no? Watch This!



Random conversation of the day...

Lee: Yeah... so how do animals know when to bone here?
Me: *blank stare*
Lee: ???
Me: I'm writing that down...
Lee: You know, I meant there's no seasons here... It's a good question - shut up.

I can only assume he was referring to a conversation we had hours earlier... when I commented on how many baby kittens and prego dogs I've seen lately.

You have no idea what it's like being me...

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Road Trip Weekend - Shootin' the Rapids

Day 3 - San Pablo

*Highlights*

- Checked into our Hot Wheel theme room at Casa San Pablo... Lee was happy.



- Half an hour later got upgraded to the Naked Lady theme room... Lee was happier.


- Ate carabao at Kusina Salud... payback for his carabao brother rubbing his sweat all over me 2 days before.


Day 4 - Pagsanjan

The next day we went to Pagsanjan to take a boat up the river to see the waterfalls. We found this sign on the way in...

We thought it was pretty hilarious. It sounds like something super scary... "DON'T STOP AND DEAL" (it sounds like a sign against drug trafficking.) "WITH ILLEGAL BOATMAN FLAGGERS" (illegal boatmen... oh no!) "RUNNING ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD" (Running? That does sound awful! Call the police!)

Apparently they've had some issues with boatmen taking people up the river, and then refusing to bring them back unless they paid them a bunch of money... so the government took over. And now running on the side of the road is a crime...

They call this little adventure, "Shooting the Rapids," which makes this seem dangerous and thrilling. It wasn't. Don't get me wrong it was a great trip, but dangerous and thrilling it was not. Although they do try to get you to wear a helmet... I guess in case the boat tips over and you hit your head on a rock... and they give you some insurance card. In the case of my untimely death they would pass out p150,000... or $3000.... hmmm. I wasn't worried.

There are banca men that drag your happy ass up the river.

I don't know about you... but I was impressed.

The end goal is to reach this waterfall. Once you get there two different men strap you to their bamboo raft and take you underneath the rushing water. It is most definitely the closest thing to being in a hurricane... I would imagine.



After our river trip we stopped at this place called Exotik Cafe. Sounds scandalous... I know. Exotik Cafe is known for their menu of Exotik "delicacies."

On the left we have shark... I'm pretty sure it was rotten. It smelled awful! On the right we have python... Do you know how many bones a snake has? It's unbelievable. But once we figured out how to eat the dang thing, it tasted like chicken... imagine that. So..."delicacies" not so delicious.

Next we headed up to Paete. Paete is known for their wood carvings, many of which are done in ebony. I was excited to find something to put in our house... unfortunately life size sculptures of Jesus and his disciples are a little over the top for my decorating taste.

While we were looking around in one of the stores a bunch of people started marching through the streets, there were cars and signs and a marching band.

Me: Oh! What's going on? Is there a parade?!
Store Lady: No. Funeral.
Me: Funeral? You have marching bands at funerals? Do you have marching bands at all funerals or is this somebody really important?
Store Lady: All dead bodies important...
Me: Right.... so, for everyone...

Geez...

On our way back I noticed these...




Apparently she was right. This cemetery lined the street out of town, and they are all above ground graves. I had never seen anything like this before.

Then there was this...



Which just happens to be the creepiest thing I've ever seen... so I had to include it.

Road Trip Weekend - When at Jay's...

On day 2 we headed to Dolores, and I am happy to announce we didn't get lost once because of my excellent navigational skills... and probably because it was only about 10 km away. In Dolores we found Jay's Kinabuhayan Cafe Bed and Breakfast.

Jay: Weeelcooome.... (flipping of the long gray hippie hair) You must be The Muse's. Is that really your last name? That is sooo coool.



Jay rocks!

And his food was amazing! Not only was it the best food I've had in the Philippines, but it was some of the best food I've had ever... And I love food! I've been called, "The fattest skinny girl I've ever met." (Thanks Hassan.) Because really for as much as I eat I should probably be much bigger.

Anyway... the food was great, even though Jay has been known to experiment with plants to find out if they are edible/poisonous or not. Luckily, he experiments on himself... not on guests. He went out to the street and literally picked our salad out of the ground and off of the bushes.

When we came in for dinner that night there was a samurai sword on the table.

Lee: Sweet! Look at that! Take my picture with the samurai sword!

(Lee with the samurai sword)

Lee: Ok. Now take a picture of me with the samurai sword looking scary and awesome.


(Lee with the samurai sword looking "scary" and "awesome".)

That night after dinner we played pool with a couple of the guys that work for Jay while taking shots of coconut wine and listening to Rod Stewart... Thinking about it now, it seems kind of surreal... I mean, Rod Stewart? Seriously? Maybe the street side plant salad was poisonous after all... who knows.

Kinabuhayan Cafe Bed and Breakfast is definitely more breakfast than bed. Because the bed is a tree house. I knew this going in. And in theory it sounds awesome. I always wanted to sleep in a tree house, but in reality it's not as thrilling as I thought it might be.


Sure our three story tree house had a bathroom....



a table...


and a mosquito net covered mattress... I guess you could call it.



But as hard as I tried I could not sleep. Lee had no problem of course... he snored on as usual... but I was not so lucky.

Me: Hmmm... this really isn't as comfortable as one might guess. And the chances of me rolling over and falling down the steps and breaking my neck are probably pretty good. That would suck.

At least there is mosquito netting... that helps. But there sure are a lot of ants on the other side of that netting. I think they could probably fit through those holes. Hmm... definitely. There's an ant. Awesome.

I'm hot.....

Ugh... that is like the tenth tricycle that has driven by in the last 20 minutes... go home. Go sleep in your bed... your bed that is not in a tree.

Wait... what was that... that sounds like somebody... footsteps.... somebody could easily come up these steps with a samurai sword and chop me into a million little pieces... Lee would probably sleep right through it...*snore*... Yep.

Omg! What was that?! That sounded like an owl. Jay said there were owls. Ewww did it just eat something? I thought owls ate mice. Do mice live in trees? I don't think so... squirrels live in trees. Ya know, I don't think I've seen a squirrel since I've been here.... hmmmm. Are there squirrels in the Philippines? I don't think so... Squirrels eat nuts. There are only fruit trees here... no nut trees. Well, coconuts... but those are really fruit... not so much a "nut." That's kind of weird if you think about it. But even if a coconut was a nut, a squirrel couldn't eat it... coconuts are huge. That's silly... hmmm.

Sleep...sleep...sleep... why can't I sleep? Lee can sleep any where...

I have to pee. I knew this would happen. Too much coconut wine... But I can't walk down those stairs... what if an owl thinks I'm the first known tree mouse, or some tourist squirrel here on vacation? He might try to eat me... and then when he finds out I'm not food, he'll be so mad that he'll peck my eyes out and pull my hair? I'm not going down there!

It has to be getting light soon right???

This went on allll niiiight looong. I think I finally started to drift off around 4:30. At 5:00 Lee's alarm on his phone, which he forgot to turn off, started ringing.... downstairs... which he didn't hear... so I had to go shut it off and brave potential owl attacks. Then at 5:30 the tricycles started up again, and the sun started to rise. At 6:00 there were church bells.... I didn't sleep at all.

***
Fact: Pigs have corkscrew shaped penises.

How do I know this? Jay has a pig, named Onion. After breakfast we found Onion taking advantage of a piece furniture. Not a pretty sight.


Note: This picture was taken before we found him doing the nasty with a chair... I wouldn't touch him after that.

Friday, September 4, 2009

Road Trip Weekend - Villa Escudero

2 hours and 3 wrong turns later....

We finally ended up at Villa Escudero.

*Highlights*

- We were late, so we missed the cultural show... awww... dang.
- In the museum we got to see a shrunken human head in a glass jar... for real.
- And Japanese ninjas!

In other news...

We had lunch in the water fall restaurant...



... where soon after we were mistaken for movie stars.

Me: Did you hear those waiters ask each other if we were movie stars?
Lee: Haha, no.
Me: Yeah, one was all, 'movie stars?' and others were all, 'I think so...' and then they started whispering.
Lee: That's awesome. We should start telling people we're movie stars.
Me: For sure!

***
That night at dinner, the entertainment was a key board player/singer who could mimic anyone. He could sound like Stevie Wonder and then turn around and do Barry Manilow or Frank Sinatra. He was awesome. After his show we ran in to him outside. We were shocked to find out that he could hardly speak a word of english... and barely understood a word we said.

Very weird.

***

The next morning we went rafting in the river...



... my life jacket smelled like swamp balls.

Villa Escudero coming to an end...


Me: I pray to God they just gave this thing a shower... otherwise I have an unheard of amount of carabao sweat between my legs...


Road Trip Weekend - Just Getting Started

Filipino Road Trip Weekend

***Please note: All stories of activities which may or may not be illegal, immoral, or just plain stupid have been omitted to protect the integrity of our reputations... plus Filipino prison would probably suck!***


Plan: Leave 12:00 noon Saturday, August 29, 2009.
Actual: Rent car dropped off at the house at 12:50.... excellent.

*After we finish loading the car*

Me: Umm... I hope you remember to how to drive a stick...
Lee: It's a stick shift?
Me: Yeah...
Lee: Sweet!!

(Such a guy...)


Fact: Street signs in the Philippines are a lost art.

*20 minutes later...*

Me: Umm.. I think we are going the wrong way...
Lee: Are you sure?
Me: Umm... Calamias... Calamias??? Yep. Definitely... turn around.

*5 minutes later...*

Me: Ok, this is right! Whoo-hoo! Ya know... I'm really an excellent navigator. I'm probably the best navigator you've ever seen.
Lee: *Silence*
Me: Well, minus that little hiccup back there...

*15 minutes later...*

Lee: I think we should turn here, everyone else is turning here.
Me: Hmm.. I don't know, maybe just go a little bit further.

....

Me: Yeah... you should have turned back there...

*30 minutes later...*

Me: Tiaong! This is so right. I'm so good!

*20 minutes later...*

Lee: Shouldn't we be getting close?
Me: Yeah, but I don't see any of these barangays...(a barangay like village or community, and pretty much the only way to tell where the heck you are.)
Lee: You don't see Candelaria on the map?
Me: Nope.
Lee: It seems like a pretty big place...
Me: Uhh...It's not here....
Lee: Ok....
Me: Oooohhhh.... oops. We definitely need to turn around.
Lee: Seriously?
Me: Yeah... I had the map folded... we are so far out of the way we went past the fold... oops.
Lee: How far out of the way?
Me: Umm... don't be mad.
Lee: Ok...
Me: Like 20 minutes...
Lee: You're serious?
Me: Yep
Lee: Why wouldn't you have where we are going in the middle of the map? It doesn't really make sense to put it close to the edge....
Me: Whatever.

***

Driving in the Philippines is similar to playing a dangerous video game, but instead of getting extra points for avoiding obstacles you just get to live for a little bit longer. I swear, we are driving down the road, and it's all...

Jeepney. On the right. Swerve. Tricycle. In your lane... straight ahead. Horn. Man selling peanuts. Watch out! People crossing the street. Slow down. Dog. Horn. Dog still not moving. Horn again. Come to a stop. Dog finally moves. Jeepney on the left. Jeepney on the right. Jeepney's are freakin' everywhere!! Tricycle. Tricycle. Stand still. Horns. Kids running down the street. Dog. Loose basketball. Baby selling baskets... It never ends.

I think we did pretty good though. I only thought we were going to die in a head on collision once. And when I freaked out, Lee reminded me that there was an ambulance in front of us... so it didn't really matter.

One thing is for sure... we had to be the only people driving around the Philippines with Texas country playing on the radio. No road trip is complete without it.

**To see all pictures from our road trip vacation... click here.**