Tuesday, July 21, 2009

I am Michael Phelps... except with bugs.

There are bugs here.

I hate them.

This is not a secret.

However, if it weren't for the infestation of creepy crawlers in my home, and the lack of professional exterminators, or at least ones that don't use dog killing, cancer causing pesticides, then I would never have found my true calling....

as the Ultimate Bug Blaster.

Bugs don't stand a chance. I'm serious.

If it were an Olympic sport, I would be the Michael Phelps of bug killing. I amaze myself sometimes.

Spiders vs. Flip Flops?

Flip flops. Every time.... The key is versatility. Step on them... Take one off and smack them... Throw a flop across the room and hit it... it's whatever. (Actually, I've never tried the latter, but how sweet would that be?)

And the mosquitos don't stand a chance, because with them it's a fight for my survival. I stopped taking my anti-malaria medicine because it could decrease the effectiveness of my birth control. So if I have to choose between fever, nausea, severe flu-like symptoms, coma or death and getting pregnant.... in the Philippines.... I choose malaria.

But don't worry... my eye hand coordination is impeccable. One clap in the air, and they end up squished to my palms every-time.

What about the ants?

Well... they are still here, but fewer than before. When Hassan came he brought me a sack full of ant traps and lime juice grenades, of course the lime juice grenades were for margaritas and had nothing to do with ants... but a guy of middle eastern decent... walking through 4 international airports with a sack of something that looks like grenades??? Now, that's friendship.

And the ant traps rock! There are still a few ants but not nearly as bad as before. Now, I only find them in the kitchen sink. But I guess I can't really take credit for that... props to Raid.

The bloodiest bug battle went down last week, when a swarm of moth-like bugs infiltrated our bedroom.

Lee and I were sitting in bed on our computers... the usual seven o' clock evening activity. When I saw a big bug fluttering around the TV. Then there were two... then three...

Me: OMG... where are these bugs coming from?
Lee: ...


Me: Lee, look at the bugs. They are multiplying.
Lee: Yep.

Obviously, he was going to be of no help.

I pull back the curtains on our sliding doors to find hundred of those bugs fluttering outside the door. (It was like a scene from that Hitchcock movie, The Birds... except they were bugs.)

Me: OMG!!! There everywhere!

This was actually my mistake... crazy I know. I didn't think I made them either.

(Earlier that day... when Lee got home from work)

Me: Hey. How was your day?
Lee: Good. I have to pee.
Me: Well the water's off, so you won't be able to flush.
Lee: Ugh! I'll just go outside.

From our bedroom I hear him go through the bar, and open the door in to the garden.

Lee: Ugh! The gate is locked. Where's the key?
Me: Just pee through the gate.
Lee: No way!
Me: Why not? It's not like you'll pee on the floor, just go for distance.
Lee: Ok...

This seemed like the perfect opportunity to snap a photo... obviously. So I ran to find my camera... but once I found it the battery wasn't in there... its on the charger... so I find the battery... fumble with putting it in the camera.... swing open the doors from our room... slide the screen over and snap a picture.

(You didn't actually think I would put a picture of my husband peeing on here did you?)

Lee: Ha. Too late.
Me: Dang.

Defeated, I closed the sliding doors... and I didn't close the screen. Big mistake.

The sliding doors aren't sealed so there are huge cracks all the way around the doors... I didn't realize this until the flying army of bugs penetrated our layer a couple hours later.

My first move was to open the sliding doors so I could then close the screen and no more bugs could get in.... mistake number 2. Maybe I'm not Michael after all...

I opened the door and of course they all flew in...

Lee: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Shut up. You are not being helpful.

I ran and grabbed the fly swatter... then I went Rambo on their asses. I was swatting the TV, the floor, the chairs, the curtains... wings and body parts were flying everywhere. It was a massacre.

But the bugs were still coming in... I had to move to plan B. Which should have been plan A... but I'm way to impulsive to think rationally during a crisis.

Turned off lights in bedroom.
Turned on lights in garden.
Opened door from bar, instead of bedroom, to get into the garden. This should have been a no brainer...
Open screen from the outside, so bugs would fly outside and not into my bedroom.
Screamed at bugs and beat them with fly swatter.
Yelled for Lee to come keep a giant gecko from getting in the house.
Yelled at Lee for making the giant gecko go in the house, instead of making him run the other direction.
Sealed screen back to door... even though the giant gecko was now sealed inside.
Back inside.
Turn on bedroom lights.
Bugs are still coming in!!
Shove a towel under the door to keep bugs from coming in under the door.
Lee leaves the room and goes to the kitchen because I'm bothering him. Ass.
Turn off bedroom lights.
Bugs fly at me hitting me in the face. I can't see them in the dark.
Turn on TV. Genius.
Bugs fly to TV.
Beat the hell out of the TV with the fly swatter.
Turn on lights.
Bug guts and wings all over the room.
Sweet victory.

Lee comes back in an hour later, and turns the lights on. I'm sitting in bed on my computer and watching TV. Fly swatter still in hand.

Lee: Wow.

A bug flies over my head and lands on the wall behind me. Without getting up... I smack the wall behind me with the fly swatter... smashing that little sucker to the wall.

Lee: That was impressive.
Me: I know.