Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My Declaration of War

This is it. I have had enough. There is now an official war raging in Nueva Villa.

Me vs. the cats.

Granted, I have never been a cat person. In fact, I really don't like them. I have never understood why someone would have a cat, when a dog is the obvious choice. Dogs are friendly, loving, loyal companions..."man's best friend"... hello. You can't play fetch with a cat. A cat won't be waiting at the door for you, wagging it's tail, when you come home. Cats poop in a box... then walk around in it before prancing around on your kitchen counters... Cat's have their own agendas and can't be bothered by you. Cats are for people who are too lazy to own dogs.

(Dear Cat People,
I'm sure you have a response to this which includes a story about your great cat. Every cat person has a story about some incredible cat they used to have... It always ends with, "It was just like a dog." Which further proves my point. If it was just like a dog, and you thought it was so great... then next time... Get a dog! You can't change my mind, so keep your comments to yourself, unless you have something appreciatively clever to say.
I'll step down off my soap box now.)

I think cats can sense this about me, because they don't like me either. Courtney, my roommate in college had a cat, Bentley. Bentley knew I didn't like her, so she would hide under my bed just to spite me. She tore up my box spring, my curtains and one of my dresses. She would let me pet her for just a minute so I would be with in striking distance, and then she would bite me.

(The only thing she didn't do was pee in my laundry basket, she saved that for the other room mates.)

So naturally, to pay her back I turned the water on high whenever I found her in the shower, verbally abused her by telling her how fat she was everyday, and I chased her around the house with a golf club. (I never hit her Courtney... it was just a scare tactic.... promise.) :)

Well, there is a whole group of stray cats that live in our neighborhood. These cats are worse than any other cats I've seen. They are mean looking, and their fur is all knotted and matted. They dig through the garbage, lounge around my yard and surely spread disease. I hate these cats.

My problems with these cats started a few weeks ago when they started getting in to my garbage. I would put the trash out at night in the big garbage bin in the garage. In the mornings I would find the garbage can tipped over and the trash spread throughout the yard. I started keeping score...

Cats - 1
Me - 0

So, now I put a heavy potted plant on top of bin and they can no longer tip it over.

Genius. I know.

Cats - 1
Me - 1

Well, every Monday and Friday I put out the trash. I was told to hang the trash bags from the fence so the cats can't get in to them.... yeah right. All they do is walk underneath it and make a huge slit in the bottom of the bag. All the trash falls out the bottom and they have a feast. The trash men decided not to come on Monday... (no idea why. They came on Tuesday.... when I demanded answers as to why they didn't come Monday, they just smiled and winked at me. Whatever.) So my trash was out there all day on Monday. Which just happened to be the same day I cleaned out the refrigerator. My trash was full of food. I had to pick up left overs out of the street twice that day.

Cats - 2
Me - 1

The water hose is my weapon of choice. Some days I stand at the living room window waiting for them to come on my yard. (I have lots to do during the day... can you tell?) Then I run to the side door where my water hose awaits. I turn it on full blast and chase the cats out of the yard. Some times this is effective... but most the time they hear me coming and are out of reach before I get out there. But I'll give myself a point anyway.

Cats - 2
Me - 2

Chihuahua is what I use for backup. Mr. Bigg hates the cats just as much as I do. He goes crazy when he finds them in the yard. He "ferociously" barks and chases them off.

Cats - 2
Me - 3

Downside... the cats are bigger than he is, and I'm sure it won't take long before they come to this realization and turn around and scratch his eyes out. They have already picked up on the fact that he can't get out of the yard, so they stand on the other side of the fence and taunt him. Smug little jerks.

Cats - 3
Me - 3

One of the other wives here told me she knew how to run off the cats. She was told to chase after the cats with a broom and scream at them. This supposedly scares them, and after a while they don't come back. I'm not sure if she knows I'll try anything, and she just wanted to see how ridiculous I am willing to make myself look in the name of cat removal or if this is really effective.

Of course I have no qualms about looking silly, I do it everyday.

The next time I saw a cat in the yard I ran after it with my broom held high in the air, yelling at the top of my lungs. The cat just jumped through the fence, and stared at me from the other side. They're not afraid of me. I'll give that point to the cats... I embarrassed myself in front of the neighbors and the cats weren't bothered at all.

Cats -4
Me - 3

Last weekend, Lee and I were going to go for a swim at the pool. I took one step out of the gate when Lee said, "Oh gross! I guess you didn't see that there?"

I looked down to see I had stepped in a slimy, yellowish-greenish cat turd. Barf!! These cats eat everything under the sun, which can't be good on the digestive system. This was proved by the mess that was all over my flip flop and toes. I walked barefoot, gagging all the way down the street.

Cats - 5
Me - 3

The final straw was this morning. I opened the front door to find cat puke on my front porch. Which was now covered in ants... I know they are conspiring together against me.

Cats - 6
Me - 3

I need a plan. I went to Google. I searched, "how to humanely get rid of stray cats." Although at this point I'd settle for anything. The only answers they could give me were...

1. coffee grounds... which I know don't work because they were in the trash that they destroyed already.
2. get a dog... which I have. Not effective.
3. pepper spray... they want me to boil my own peppers, pour the liquid in to a spray bottle and spray it all over the yard. Which I can't do because of my dog.

Any other ideas? I need reinforcements. I'm about to resort to violence. I am already a chicken killer, I don't want cats on my resume too.