Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Poisoned to Death


I think Chat is trying to kill me. Don't get me wrong, I still love her to death... but I am most certain I was poisoned. When I got home from Manila yesterday, Chat was at the house cleaning. I walked in to the kitchen and there was a plate of food on the table. Sometimes Chat is so busy cleaning that she doesn't stop and eat. So when I saw the plate of food I was shocked... it was four in the afternoon and she still hadn't eaten yet. So I went searching through the house to find her. I found her cleaning the shower...

Me: Chat, there is a plate of food on the table, have you eaten lunch yet?

Chat: "Yes, mam Kelly." (No one here can say my name properly) "That is for you."

Me: "For me...?" (Now, this is a very nice gesture... but most of the Filipino food scares the hell out of me, so to say I was a little apprehensive would be an understatement.)

Chat: "Yes mam. I thought you might like to try."

Me: "Oh, ok. I'll try it, thanks..." (What am I supposed to do? This sweet woman cleans my house, and does my laundry so I have don't always have to use that wretched machine. And a couple weeks ago she brought me a book called, "101 ways to Spoil a Husband." On the inside she wrote, "To a newly marriage couple, Mr. and Mrs. Keely Muse, Wishing you all the best and God unlimited blessing be upon us always. Congratulations! Love and Pray, Chat." Isn't that sweet? She told me she got it for me so I could be successful in my marriage. Of course I asked her for a copy of, "101 ways to Spoil a Wife"... I haven't gotten that yet. Last week she brought me Filipino bananas so I could try them, and they are actually pretty good. And she watched Mr. Bigg when we went to the beach! The least I could do is try the food. Plus, I've heard she is a very good cook... so it probably isn't so bad.)

So I go back to the kitchen to heat is up, and do a thorough inspection before putting any of it in my mouth. It doesn't look so bad actually... there are those little tiny pancit noodles, and vegetables. I mean, it's probably edible. So, I take my first bite.... in the kitchen, and out of Chat's sight of course, just in case I spit it out all over the floor.
Bite. Chew chew chew. And....swallow. It's actually pretty good, huh... amazing. Chat has moved to the living room to clean the window seals, (she's a goddess, I don't think I've ever cleaned a window seal.)

Me: "This is pretty good, Chat"

Chat: "Yes, mam" ( I'm pretty sure she can sense my surprise.)

Me: "Did you make this?" (I'm not sure why I asked, I know she did....)

Chat: "Oh, no mam"

Me: "Huh?"

Chat: "I got it from the shop on the corner, the corner of the neighborhood."

It was at this point where my jaw hit the floor, and I'm not sure but I might have started making small gagging noises. The place I'm sure she is referring too is the place with the huge pots of food, the ones that sit on the counter all day long... and God only knows what's in them. Dog... monkey... take your pick. This little shop is sandwiched in between the lady with the pig legs and the fly swatter and the lady with the laundry line full of chickens hanging by their broken necks.

Chat: "It's ok mam. This place good, very nice... clean... good food." (She can obviously tell I'm about to go wash my mouth out with soap.)

Me: "Hmmm... ok... what's in it?"

Chat: "Um, noodle... vegetable.... pig liver..." (Fantastic.) "... squid balls..." (Oh great, well at least she didn't say labrador retriever, right?)

I looked down, and realized I was almost finished with the whole plate... pig liver and all. So, I tried not to freak out. I mean... it was good... but maybe I would have been better off not knowing what was in it, because now I'm starting to feel nauseous. Later, I realized I was just being dramatic... I can be a real head case. But later that night... It came back.

My stomach hurt so bad... I knew it wasn't in my head this time. Lee rolled his eyes, when I went into the dramatics of how Chat poisoned me with pig liver from the pot lady, and not to be surprised if he found me dead on the bathroom floor in the morning. Eventually the sharp pains in my stomach went away, and I didn't even yak.. so that's always a plus. But I'm staying away from pig liver and squid balls... and anything else that I'm not sure about, and I will always ask before I eat.

(But just in case I'm not being dramatic... and this type of poison does not cause immediate death. Just in case... it takes several days to become fatally effective.... It was Mrs. Chat, in the kitchen, with the pig's liver.)