Sunday, May 17, 2009

Meltdown #1

So, I had my first mini-meltdown....
I'll start from the beginning....
Well, it was day 13 of P90X... and I haven't missed a day yet, (a record for me for sure) so I went upstairs to get started. I was about half way through Kenpo when the fan in the room started to make a funny noise. It is a desk fan, but still a pretty good size. It made a little clicking noise, but it looked perfectly fine so I kept going, Jab. Cross. Hook. Uppercut. Jab. Cross Hook. Uppercut. BAM!!! I had to duck because the face of the fan came flying at my head. Then I had to duck again because shards of plastic started flying around the room as the blades begin to shatter. I felt like George Bush in Iraq with the shoes! The fan bounced up and down a few times before it bounced off the desk, knocking the DVD rack over and going in to a seizure on the floor. I thought for sure it was possessed... I had to run over and unplug it to keep it from going crazy. I could have been killed! It's a good thing I was doing Kenpo and totally on my toes for unsuspecting predators.

After my near death experience, I went back downstairs. It was so hot, Saturday was one of the hottest days we've had since we've been here. The only way I could get cool is if I went in the bed room, turned on the air and shut the door. Which, I didn't mind so much since I felt nauseous. I think it was the pork I ate the night before, so I wanted to be in bed most of the morning anyway.
Lee only works a half day on Saturdays so he got home around noon. I was washing dishes... the dishes from breakfast. I was too sick to do them earlier... or too lazy whatever.

(Well, this is a problem because we have ants. EVERYWHERE. And here in the Philippines this does not seem like a problem to anyone else. I have told Lina about it and she just shrugs and says, "Yes. They are ants." Well, no sh*t sherlock, I know they are ants. I don't need you to confirm they are ants, I know what an ant looks like. What I don't know how to do is get rid of the ants. The only ant killer here is Raid, and I'm not going to go around spraying every little ant I see, that would be a full time job. I need an ant trap, or something they can take back to their nest and kill the queen... like in the commercials.)

If I don't do the dishes immediately they are covered with ant within five minutes. So I was doing ant covered dishes. I moved one of the plates, and a little head popped out from under the dishes. I screamed a few four letters words as I jumped to the opposite side of the kitchen. As I carefully crept back to the sink I saw a gecko laying amongst the dishes. This is the first gecko I have seen in our house. Normally, they are outside in the driveway, but this guy was brave enough to come inside. I really can't blame him. The sink was wet and cold, and it was a very hot day, and it was covered with ants... a delicacy for this little man. It was paradise. The sink is probably where I would be too. But he should have warned me or something, from the neck up he looks like a snake, he is lucky I didn't smash him with the frying pan. So I left him in the sink to finish eating the ants. He ate all the ants and he helped me put off doing the dishes a little longer. What's not to like about the gecko?

So I moved to the living room. I don't know what the ants like in the living room, there is no food in the living room but they insist on being there. And these ants are different. The ones in the kitchen are microscopic sugar ants. The ants in the living room are bigger, and since I walk around with no shoes on all day they crawl up on my feet and bite my ankles. I have about had it with those suckers. Why couldn't the gecko be in the living room? You would think we could work out a deal where if he ate all the ants in the living room, then I would not do the dishes, and then he could eat the sugar ants in the kitchen for dessert? That would solve both our problems. Double the ants for gecko and no ants or dishes for me. Genius.

Later, Lee and I tried using the waterfalls. We haven't started them up yet, so we wanted to see how they worked. We tried the one in the bar first. But the hose kept coming undone and getting everything wet. We solved this problem with electrical tape. Big black ring of tape in the waterfall.... Classy. Waterfall number 2 seemed to be working just fine, except that it sounds like someone is taking a shower in the living room. The water gushes through the pumps. There is nothing relaxing about that waterfall.

We were tired of fixing the house so we went down the street to use the pool. After a few hours we came home to find the living room flooded. Apparently, waterfall #2 has a hole somewhere in the tank, and you can't leave water in there because it will leak out on to the living room floor. In the middle of the floor there was something flopping around.

Me: "KILL IT!!"
Lee: "What?! Kill what?!"
Me: "That thing! It looks like a snake, but I don't think its a snake....." (Keep in mind I am talking about 900 words a second.) "It has legs!... so.. ok not a snake. But kill it!"
Lee: "Where?!"
Me: "There! It's a millipede or centipede or something. It's huge! Kill it!"
Lee: "Huge like what? Like a foot long!? How big is huge!?"
Me: "I don't know!! Four inches... who cares?!! Kill it!"
Splat! (Lee's big shoe to the rescue)

I sat down and looked around the house. I was exhausted... it was hotter than hell. I still felt nauseous. I had barely survived the attack of the fan. There was water everywhere. A dead snake with legs on the floor. Ants crawling around everywhere it wasn't wet and they were still in the kitchen sink. And my ant eating gecko that had scared the crap out of me earlier had disappeared without finishing his meal.

I just walked past all of it, went to the bedroom, changed clothes, got in bed and burst into tears.

Lee: "You're crying? Are you ok?"
Me: "Yes. I'm just frustrated. There are critters everywhere... (sob sob) And ants! I hate ants! (sob sob)...I need an exterminator and not some guy who killed a bug once. I need a professional. But nobody cares, they think ants are normal. And nothing works, our living room is flooded and everyone in this country is too stupid to fix anything."
Lee: "It will be ok. We'll get everything fixed."
Me: "I'm making a list for Lina. She is about to feel the wrath of Keely."
Lee: "Ok. That's fine."
Me: "All I know, is if I wake up in the morning with a huge spider on my face, I'm on the first plane back to the states."

So the next night we are laying in bed watching American Idol. (God Bless American Idol, I have never really even watched that show, but it keeps me sane here in the Philippines.) And I see something crawl across the ceiling.

Me: "KILL IT!!! KILL IT!!!!"
Lee: "Where?!"
Me: "Ceiling?! Spider!! Huge!!!"
Lee: "Get me a shoe!"

Me: "You are so lucky that happened tonight, and not last night."